Posts Tagged ‘ Seinfeld ’

Commercial for Cotton Raises Awareness of Cotton

Mine Hill, NJ – Local resident Carl Swinson today told an assembled group of reporters that he may soon have to purchase some cotton garments.  Even though cotton has been regularly used for over 8,000 years, Carl says the television commercial he saw featuring musician Leona Lewis has finally sold him on it.  “I always thought polyester, or possibly wool, would be the one and only fabric of my life, but after a commercial like that, I think cotton could now have a chance to take over,” Carl said.  “It just looks so light and breezy, I bet it’s soft!”  Carl also said that seeing Leona singing about the benefits of cotton in a variety of settings, including a closet, near a horse, and at a swanky party were key factors in swaying his opinion of the fabric so old that Alexander the Great had used it.

Swinson addressing his views on cotton

“I did a little further research after the commercial,” Carl continued.  “Apparently, George Costanza had the Yankees’ uniforms switched to cotton in an episode of Seinfeld.  It’s been in pop culture for decades, where have I been?”  Carl says that his normal shirts chafe his nipples and aggravate his skin.  He said he hopes that if he were to buy a cotton shirt it would stop the irritation as well as accentuate his muscular physique better than his current clothing.  As we went to press, Carl was on his way out to Walmart to buy a six-pack of cotton t-shirts so he could finally “see what all the fuss is about.”

The Shallot Salutes…Hernando de Soto

"Hey, look, a river!" - Hernando de Soto

When people mention the great explorers, quite a few names come to mind: Christopher Columbus, Ferdinand Magellan, Francisco Pizarro, Hernán Cortes, Meriwether Lewis, William Clark, Amerigo Vespucci, Indiana Jones, Han Solo, and the guy in The Mummy movies, among others.  One name that is frequently forgotten is Hernando de Soto.  de Soto was a 16th century Spanish conquistador and explorer who came to the  already discovered New World for riches and fame.  But while most of the New World had already been found, de Soto decided to head west.  What he discovered was the 4th largest river in the world. That’s right: de Soto is the man credited with discovering the Mississippi River.  While many had definitely crossed the Mississippi before, de Soto is the first to actually document the experience, putting him head and shoulders above the rest.  Based on size alone, this puts him in a slightly lower class than Vasco Núñez de Balboa, the man who “discovered” the Pacific Ocean.

Not only was de Soto a fairly mediocre explorer, he was also a conman.  To get the Native Americans to follow him, he was able to convince them that he was an infallible “Sun God.”  Sadly, de Soto never left the banks of the Mississippi; he died there after an agonizing illness…so much for being immortal.  His legacy remained dormant for nearly 450 years, but he had a brief moment of fame in the 20th century when the also mediocre George Costanza declared de Soto his “favorite explorer.”  So, for writing down that he saw a river that countless people before him definitely knew about and thus guaranteeing himself a mention in all middle school history texts, for lying outrageously to natives, for appearing on Seinfeld, and for being generally unimpressive, The Shallot salutes Hernando de Soto.

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