Posts Tagged ‘ rape ’

Local Man Hires Alleged Rapist to Wax Car

Hill Valley, CA – Citing his role in helping him ultimately meet his wife, local man George McFly once again hired auto detailer Biff Tannen to wax his family’s vehicles.  “Oh I’ve known Biff for years,” said McFly.  “Sure, he bullied me throughout high school and tried to violate my future wife the night of the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance, but he does a hell of a job waxing a car!”  Biff’s Auto Detailing has been serving Hill Valley for over 10 years, and in that time has built up a loyal customer base.  Most customers tend to prefer Biff’s “Two Coat” service as various reports suggest that two coats of wax really bring out a nice, glossy sheen.

Biff starting the second coat

“Yep, people love getting their cars waxed,” said Tannen.  “I’m only glad to help.  It shows how good I am at my job that Mr. McFly would hire me.  I mean, I made him stay out of the café and forced him to do my homework all through school.  Oh, and one time I tried to rape his current wife.”  When asked if she felt uncomfortable with having Biff around the house so frequently, as the McFly’s get their cars waxed every week, Lorraine McFly nodded.  She said that Biff was never convicted of attempted rape of her or arrested for destroying the town square in a wild chase with Calvin Klein a few days earlier.  “Biff did about eight things the week before the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance that should have gotten him arrested, yet he always got off scot free.  What’s the deal with that?”  As we went to press, sources reported that Biff is trying to save up his money from the auto detailing business to open a small casino, a lifelong dream of his.


Forrest Gump Arrested on Rape Charge

Greenbow, AL – Forrest Gump, the famous runner, businessman, war hero, and lawn care specialist, was taken in to custody earlier today by Alabama State Police on a charge of rape in the first degree.  According to the police report, the victim, Jenny Curran said that Gump first beat her, and the next thing she knew, she woke up naked in a muddy ditch by the side of the interstate.  In her statement to police, Curran said that Gump had always been overly protective of her, but he had never acted aggressively or tried to attack her, just the men she was with.  After he was arrested mowing the lawn at the local university, the owner of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Corporation quickly posted bail and left prison.

Gump on his favorite bench

On his way out of the jail Gump did speak to reporters.  “I told her I loved her, but she said I didn’t know what love was.  I just got tired of Jennay always rejecting me.  So I decided right then and there that I’d rape her,” Gump told the gathered throng of reporters.  “I hit her over the head with a shovel, had my way with her, and then left her in a ditch.”  When asked if it was stupid to first rape one of his oldest friends and then confess to both police and reporters, Gump said “stupid is as stupid does.  Mama never did tell me what that meant…”  Gump then announced that he had “to pee” and started running down the middle of the road towards his house, closely pursued by a pickup truck full of people throwing rocks at him.

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