Posts Tagged ‘ new york city ’

Man Fails to Kill Self

New York, NY – Thomas Magill tried to take his own life earlier this week and failed, adding it to a list of failures that have plagued him his entire life.  “I’ve been a failure my whole life, I don’t know why I expected this to go any differently,” a sedated Magill told reporters today.  “I just wanted to die and all I did was fuck up my legs.  Not even close.”  Magill jumped from the 40th floor of a residential building on the West Side of Manhattan, and landed on top of a Dodge Charger.

Magill immediately after the fail

He says his first mistake was jumping feet first.  “I should’ve done what everyone else does and dove.  Guess that’s where I went wrong again.”  Doctors have told Magill he will probably never walk again due to the traumatic injuries he suffered to his legs.  “I bet I walk again.  I fail at everything, so I’ll probably fail at being a cripple,” Magill said.  “My first steps will be off a building, and this time I’m gonna go head first.  If I live through that, then I may be the Second Coming of Christ.”  Magill is an atheist.

For those of you under a rock, this really happened:


Hungover Girl Declares Lights Too Bright

Jennifer has to get off the train

Secaucus, NJ- After a night of heavy drinking and loud music, local woman Jennifer Colletti has announced that the lights on the NJ Transit Midtown Direct train are too bright. “Wow, does anyone else find these a bit extreme? Shouldn’t they be on a dimmer?” Jennifer asked. “I’d close my eyes but my eyelids hurt.” The previous night’s activities, which included shots, beers, dancing, karaoke, and a number of unintended trips to the floor, were not balanced with an equal or greater amount of water. The dehydrated condition that resulted, commonly referred to as a hangover, is known to have side effects ranging from a slight headache to total incapacitation. Much like the common cold, there is no definitive cure for a hangover. However, Jennifer tried some of the most common home remedies (Advil, chugging water, and a greasy breakfast) and reported they have done nothing to ease her discomfort and have actually made her feel worse. As we went to press, Jennifer was contemplating vomiting in a nearby Solo cup.

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