New York, NY – Thomas Magill tried to take his own life earlier this week and failed, adding it to a list of failures that have plagued him his entire life. “I’ve been a failure my whole life, I don’t know why I expected this to go any differently,” a sedated Magill told reporters today. “I just wanted to die and all I did was fuck up my legs. Not even close.” Magill jumped from the 40th floor of a residential building on the West Side of Manhattan, and landed on top of a Dodge Charger.
He says his first mistake was jumping feet first. “I should’ve done what everyone else does and dove. Guess that’s where I went wrong again.” Doctors have told Magill he will probably never walk again due to the traumatic injuries he suffered to his legs. “I bet I walk again. I fail at everything, so I’ll probably fail at being a cripple,” Magill said. “My first steps will be off a building, and this time I’m gonna go head first. If I live through that, then I may be the Second Coming of Christ.” Magill is an atheist.
For those of you under a rock, this really happened: http://bit.ly/cKfp3o