Posts Tagged ‘ New Jersey ’

Hungover Girl Declares Lights Too Bright

Jennifer has to get off the train

Secaucus, NJ- After a night of heavy drinking and loud music, local woman Jennifer Colletti has announced that the lights on the NJ Transit Midtown Direct train are too bright. “Wow, does anyone else find these a bit extreme? Shouldn’t they be on a dimmer?” Jennifer asked. “I’d close my eyes but my eyelids hurt.” The previous night’s activities, which included shots, beers, dancing, karaoke, and a number of unintended trips to the floor, were not balanced with an equal or greater amount of water. The dehydrated condition that resulted, commonly referred to as a hangover, is known to have side effects ranging from a slight headache to total incapacitation. Much like the common cold, there is no definitive cure for a hangover. However, Jennifer tried some of the most common home remedies (Advil, chugging water, and a greasy breakfast) and reported they have done nothing to ease her discomfort and have actually made her feel worse. As we went to press, Jennifer was contemplating vomiting in a nearby Solo cup.

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Situation Suffers Infarction

Seaside Heights, NJ – Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino today collapsed on the Seaside Heights Boardwalk due to a Myocardial Infarction, more commonly known as a heart attack.  Eyewitnesses say that The Situation was “creeping hardcore on some girls” and suddenly clutched his left arm.  Samantha “Sweetheart” Giancola saw the whole thing.  “He just grabbed his left arm, fell down, and yelled ‘Yo, I think I got a major situation in my chest and left arm!’  That’s when we called the ambulance.”

Mike Sorrentino pointing at his Situation

Paul “DJ Pauly D” Del Vecchio said that even in the face of death, The Situation was unflappable.  “Sitch was on the ground, writhing in pain, and he was still checking out the ladies.  He was shouting ‘Yo girl, wanna give me some mouth to mouth?  I’ll let you pump on my chest.’  He just wanted to get to the business, like a champ.”  At press time, The Situation was in critical condition at Community Memorial Hospital in Toms River, NJ.  However, EMT’s that were at the scene report his condition would have been much better had he not sent away the first EMS crew for being “grenades.”

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