Posts Tagged ‘ michael jackson ’

Dante’s Peak Named “Best Volcano Action Movie of 1997” by AFI

Los Angeles, CA – The American Film Institute today announced that the 1997 volcano based action movie Dante’s Peak has stood the test of time and is definitely the best movie from that year centered on a geological event. “Dante’s Peak is truly a thrilling piece of filmmaking,” said Sir Howard Stringer, the AFI’s chairman. “The movie has real geology in it without being boring and the romantic chemistry between Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton isn’t too gushy. I just love it.” Pierce Brosnan, who played USGS scientist Dr. Harry Dalton, said that the movie was loosely based on the eruption of Mount St. Helens and written to be as accurate as possible. “This movie put me on the map, everywhere I go people were shouting ‘hey Dalton, where’s the fire?’ and ‘we don’t think there’s going to be a lahar!’” Brosnan said. “I jumped at the opportunity to play Bond just so I wouldn’t be typecast as the stereotypical immigrant Brit volcanologist at the USGS for the rest of my career.”

The Contenders

The movie that came second in the ranking, Volcano, lost marks for it’s scientific inaccuracy, wimpy daughter, and exploitation of racial conflict in a post Rodney King LA. “Don’t get me wrong, Volcano is another excellent volcano related movie from 1997,” Stringer said. “However, the movie has too many ancillary topics. Race relations in Los Angeles? Tommy Lee Jones’ divorce and the effect on that pissy little daughter of his? Don Cheadle wearing a backwards beret in a crisis center and acting super smooth? I just want to see how the volcano destroyed things.” Added Stringer, “And Anne Heche as a scientist? I don’t think so.” Volcano actor Tommy Lee Jones released a statement saying that he “didn’t care about the loss” as long as Men In Black II still had the title of “best Men In Black sequel with a Michael Jackson cameo released in 2002.”

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Insensitive Joke Made OK by Saying “Too Soon?”

Tuscaloosa, AL – A joke about recently deceased friend Jeffrey Donaldson was made humorous today with an immediate follow up of “too soon?” by joke teller Dean Richmond.  Reports suggest that Richmond, who is a terrible person, has used this tactic numerous times when he makes an off color remark.  “If you follow up something truly horrible with ‘too soon?,’ people tend to think you didn’t actually mean what you said,” Richmond told reporters.  “What’s beautiful is that everyone shares a hearty laugh and you get to say something unbelievably awful with no repercussions.  Everyone wins.”  Donaldson’s death was the latest in a long line of unfortunate events that Richmond has used to his advantage.  “2009, that was a great year for me,” Richmond continued.  “I can’t say that was something I shared with Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Ted Kennedy, or Billy Mays.  See, they all died.”

Doesn't he just look like a douche?

Over the years, Richmond’s friends have described him as “awful,” “a douche,” and even “an absolute turd of a man” but have always added that he is “undeniably hilarious.”  Donaldson, a longtime acquaintance that was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, died from injuries he received in a car crash while his son Thomas was driving.  “I’m willing to bet that Jeff always thought the cancer would kill him before his son got a chance…Too soon?” said Richmond.  “See?  Works every time!”

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