Posts Tagged ‘ jesus ’

Carl Sagan Having Awesome Time in Heaven

HEAVEN – Deceased astronomer, astrophysicist, cosmologist, television personality, and author Carl Sagan reappeared for a brief moment today to declare his love of the afterlife.  “This is so much better than Earth!” the specter of Sagan declared.  “Einstein and I have been flying all over at the speed of light.  Apparently that’s possible.”  As he sat down to his dinner of unicorn and centaur, Sagan added “There’s quite a few of us up there with egg on our face.”

Sagan's ghost

A noted skeptic and agnostic, Sagan’s reappearance in the earthly realm has made many scientists question the very fabric of life itself.  “It seems that we were put here by a creator.  There goes that whole ‘Big Bang Theory,’” said theoretical physicist and cosmologist Stephen Hawking.  “That’s all of my research down the drain.”  Hawking then realized that Sagan’s sudden death and his own crippling muscular dystrophy must have been God’s revenge for their questioning him.  When asked if this were true, God only chuckled, shrugged his shoulders, and chugged an entire can of Caffeine Free Diet Cherry Shasta that he made appear out of thin air.


Man Fails to Kill Self

New York, NY – Thomas Magill tried to take his own life earlier this week and failed, adding it to a list of failures that have plagued him his entire life.  “I’ve been a failure my whole life, I don’t know why I expected this to go any differently,” a sedated Magill told reporters today.  “I just wanted to die and all I did was fuck up my legs.  Not even close.”  Magill jumped from the 40th floor of a residential building on the West Side of Manhattan, and landed on top of a Dodge Charger.

Magill immediately after the fail

He says his first mistake was jumping feet first.  “I should’ve done what everyone else does and dove.  Guess that’s where I went wrong again.”  Doctors have told Magill he will probably never walk again due to the traumatic injuries he suffered to his legs.  “I bet I walk again.  I fail at everything, so I’ll probably fail at being a cripple,” Magill said.  “My first steps will be off a building, and this time I’m gonna go head first.  If I live through that, then I may be the Second Coming of Christ.”  Magill is an atheist.

For those of you under a rock, this really happened:

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