Boston, MA – Citing his capabilities in math as well as his love of General Tso’s Chicken, college student Brandon Franklin today took the first steps to formally change his ethnicity from Caucasian to Asian. Franklin had long felt that he did not fit in with the white community, but only recently realized that he was actually an Asian man trapped in a white man’s body. “It started in middle school. I was great in science and math, I played the piano and violin, but I was awful at sports and in any social situation,” Franklin said. “Then in high school I barely passed my driving test, loved watching Naruto, and discovered I was really good at tennis.”
Unlike gender reassignment, there are no hormone pills that can be taken to ease the transition. Ethnic reassignment relies totally on physical plastic surgery and behavioral adjustment. “In Brandon’s case, we will most likely tighten the skin around the eyes and make his skin pigment a bit more olive toned,” said Dr. Steven Tomlinson, a Boston area plastic surgeon. “While we will not have to create a penis or a vagina, I definitely think that his genitalia will have to be reduced to truly make him feel Asian.” Franklin, who just declared his major in mechanical engineering at MIT, does not currently have the financial means to pay for the surgery. That does not mean that he won’t be able to change his behaviors to be more in line with his desired appearance. “I figure a good start will be to squint all the time and to take my shoes off whenever I enter a home,” Franklin said. “Oh, and I’ll pronounce all my Ls as Rs.” Franklin then told reporters he had to leave so he could play six straight hours of World of Warcraft in his underwear.