Posts Tagged ‘ Facebook ’

Local Grandma to Cash in on Betty White Craze

Flint, MI – Citing reduced admiration and affection from her grandkids, area grandmother Eunice Patterson has decided to reinvigorate their love by finding a way to piggyback off the fame of 88-year-old actress and comedienne Betty White.  “They didn’t like the cookies I brought them last week and they didn’t even say thank you.  All they could talk about was Betty White on Saturday Night Live and how great she was,” said Patterson.  “I heard about some sort of  program that broadcasts everyone, on the internets.  The YouTubes I think it was called.  Maybe I’ll audition to get on there.”

Eunice doing her George Burns impression

Eunice isn’t quite sure how YouTube works or what it is exactly, but she says that if it will make her grandkids pay attention to her then she’s willing to try it.  “I bet it’s something similar to that show Bob Seger hosted years ago, Hilarious Candid Moments, or something like that,” Eunice told a couple nearby reporters.  “Is it at all like Tweeter or The Facesite Jason and Brandon mentioned last week?  Do you think they would accept 8mm film?”   Eunice’s grandkids were indifferent to her plan to get into mass media.  “Who would watch an old lady like grandma telling some poorly filmed jokes?” said her grandson Jason.  “She doesn’t own a computer, so this should be fairly interesting.”  As we went to press, Eunice was seen putting a Betamax tape in an envelope and then searching the Yellow Pages for YouTube’s mailing address.


Man Honors 9/11 Victims with Facebook Status

Syosset, NY – In honor of the ninth anniversary of the most destructive terrorist attack ever on American soil, Tom Grant has decided that the best way that he can show his support is through updating his Facebook status.  “I’ve got 350 or so friends, this is a good way to let them know that I’ve still remembered this tragic event,” said Grant.  “I figure it’s literally the least I can do.”  Grant has been unable to decide between a number of status messages that he thought would be appropriate.  He said they’ve ranged from the simplicity of just “USA” to a longer heartfelt narrative on his appreciation for the troops.  Grant isn’t sure which would garner the most ‘Likes’ and comments from his friends.

Tom agonizing over his status

“I figure something short and sweet is easy.  I’ll probably go with ‘Never Forget,’ that’s concise and everyone will know what it means.” Tom told a group of gathered reporters.  “I just hope at least three or four people click the ‘Like’ button and at least one person comments.  I’m not putting this out there for nothing!”  As we went to press, Tom was considering changing his profile picture to an American flag, a bald eagle, or the Twin Towers to elicit a bigger response.

Unemployed Man Gets Blackberry

Kenosha, WI – In an attempt to appear busy, out of work cheese factory employee Dennis Wykhoff has upgraded his mobile phone to a Blackberry.  “People with jobs have Blackberries,” Dennis said.  “I figure if I have the phone, the job will follow.  Also, I can check Facebook everywhere now!”

Dennis doing something useless

Dennis’ friends report that he is constantly on the phone.  “He says that he’s checking emails and looking at stocks,” said ex-coworker James Gilbert. “Who the hell is emailing him?  He’s just updating Facebook or tweeting something nobody cares about.” James added,  “All I know is that he always puts that damn thing on the bar when we go out for drinks and stares at it instead of shooting the shit with us.  It’s made him a drone.”  Dennis does not want to hear any criticism of his potentially poor fiscal decision.  “What were you saying?  I just got a BBM.”

Ugly Girl Puts Attractive Friend in Profile Picture

Daytona Beach, FL – Local pig face Jenny Gerton has added attractive friend Sarah Hill to her Facebook photo in an ill advised attempt to lessen disappointment when meeting people face to face.  “The way I see it, if people see both of us in the picture, it’ll at least make people accept my friend requests.”  By blocking all tagged photos, she has also ensured that nobody will find out who she is until they meet face to face.  “I guess people will think they have a 50% chance of meeting a beauty and not be immediately disenchanted by me.”  When asked for comment Sarah said “I wish she wouldn’t put me in that picture.  I don’t need people thinking I’m a fat hog.”

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