Posts Tagged ‘ death ’

Study: Getting Stabbed Bad for Health

Chicago, IL – According to a study released today by the American Medical Association, being stabbed is not a healthy lifestyle choice.  The study, conducted over a year on people of various ages, was done to see the effect stabbing has on the body as well as lifespan.  “In this study, the control group vastly out performed the experimental group,” said Dr. Peter Carmel, President of the AMA.  “Of course, the people in the control group weren’t the ones that got stabbed.”  The study found that people who weren’t stabbed were almost 100% less likely to die from massive hemorrhaging of blood due to a gigantic open wound.

The control group after the study

“We knew that stabbing was bad from the get go, but we were surprised that it had pretty much the same effect on people of any age, gender, or race,” Carmel told reporters.  “A 75 year old white man died in about the same amount of time as a 16 year old Chinese girl when both were stabbed in the heart and not treated.”  Carmel went on to say that somebody stabbed in the arm or leg did seem to live a little longer than someone stabbed in the heart, neck, or head, but if they were left untreated any stab wound would prove fatal.  The study concludes that people should stay out of any situation that could result in being stabbed, and that anyone who does gets stabbed should seek immediate medical attention to fix the gaping, blood gushing hole in their body.


Insensitive Joke Made OK by Saying “Too Soon?”

Tuscaloosa, AL – A joke about recently deceased friend Jeffrey Donaldson was made humorous today with an immediate follow up of “too soon?” by joke teller Dean Richmond.  Reports suggest that Richmond, who is a terrible person, has used this tactic numerous times when he makes an off color remark.  “If you follow up something truly horrible with ‘too soon?,’ people tend to think you didn’t actually mean what you said,” Richmond told reporters.  “What’s beautiful is that everyone shares a hearty laugh and you get to say something unbelievably awful with no repercussions.  Everyone wins.”  Donaldson’s death was the latest in a long line of unfortunate events that Richmond has used to his advantage.  “2009, that was a great year for me,” Richmond continued.  “I can’t say that was something I shared with Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Ted Kennedy, or Billy Mays.  See, they all died.”

Doesn't he just look like a douche?

Over the years, Richmond’s friends have described him as “awful,” “a douche,” and even “an absolute turd of a man” but have always added that he is “undeniably hilarious.”  Donaldson, a longtime acquaintance that was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, died from injuries he received in a car crash while his son Thomas was driving.  “I’m willing to bet that Jeff always thought the cancer would kill him before his son got a chance…Too soon?” said Richmond.  “See?  Works every time!”

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