Washington, DC – Two founding tenets of American life are now under fire for their role in the Oklahoma City Bombing, the USS Cole attack, and 9/11, among others. In a televised address, President Barack Obama today officially announced his administration was taking the threat a capitalistic and free society – two founding principles of America – poses very seriously. “We’ve carefully considered these national security risks, and have realized that we are the greatest threat to ourselves. Terrorists are not a problem for America; our own way of life is to blame. These two social mores are enemy combatants within our own country,” declared Obama.
“Obviously, any aspect of our lives that insights anger from nations abroad needs to be eliminated,” Obama continued. “Frankly, I’m surprised action was not taken to curb these obvious problems after the bombing of Pearl Harbor.” It is anticipated that President Obama will issue a number of executive orders in the coming days to reduce the peril caused by the values that make the American Dream possible. Expected changes include increasing government involvement in business, domestic troops to maintain order, and a fresh constitution to replace the dated 223-year-old original.