Posts Tagged ‘ Angelina ’

Jersey Shore Star Announces Plans to Use More Hair Gel

Johnston, RI – Paul “DJ Pauly D” Del Vecchio today told reporters at an impromptu press conference that he intended to increase his hair gel consumption immediately.  “A photo has surfaced on the internet of my hair ungelled after a shower,” a noticeably bothered Del Vecchio said.  “That picture should have stayed private.  I can’t risk being seen like that again, I got an image to keep up and the girls said I looked like a surfer.”  After a pause, Pauly D shook his head and added, “That’s f’ed up.”

The damning picture

Del Vecchio said that the only time that his hair loses its trademark form is when he showers, as he always keeps his head above water in the ocean or the hot tub.  “My hair is convertible proof, motorcycle proof, sun proof, and possibly even bullet proof.  It’s salt water resistant and even once survived a brief exposure to sulfuric acid.  It’s pretty much invincible,” Del Vecchio told the group of reporters.  “I just need to make it waterproof; shampoos and soaps have always been my downfall.”  Del Vecchio then mused about a possible solution.  “I wonder if anyone makes a Teflon based hair gel?  I’d be the first to endorse it!”  After the press conference, Pauly D was overheard asking if there was a way that he could shave his head and then have a plastic mold of his original hairstyle fused to his scalp.


Snooki Finds Biological Parents

Seaside Heights, NJ – After years of searching, adopted Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has been able to track down her biological mother and father with some help from MTV.  Her birth parents, Frank and Dawn Loompawitz, work in the factory of chocolate magnate Willy Wonka.  “We were young, had a wild night, and then a kid we couldn’t support,” said Frank.  “The only responsible choice was to give her up so she could lead a respectable life.”  Nicole’s parents said that their jobs in Wonka’s factory had long hours and low pay, and they felt they wouldn’t be able to provide Nicole with the advantages she deserved.  “I always dreamed our little girl would be a doctor,” said Frank.  “Maybe that’s how she had the resources to find us…”

Snooki's parents

The jobs in the factory even made them lose touch with the outside world.  “We work all the time and don’t own a TV or a computer,” Dawn said.  “We’re pretty disconnected, so when a camera crew showed up to bring us to Nicole, we were so surprised.  I bet she hosts a talk show or is a major news correspondent!”  Snooki was relieved that MTV was able to help her find her parents.  “I’m so excited that I finally found them.  I just can’t wait to meet them so they can see what a success I am!” shouted Snooki after a mid day shot of tequila.  When told they worked at Wonka’s factory, Snooki said it didn’t surprise her:  “I always say that I don’t tan…my skin is natural!  I guess that’s also why I love sucking on Gobstoppers for hours at a time.”

Situation Suffers Infarction

Seaside Heights, NJ – Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino today collapsed on the Seaside Heights Boardwalk due to a Myocardial Infarction, more commonly known as a heart attack.  Eyewitnesses say that The Situation was “creeping hardcore on some girls” and suddenly clutched his left arm.  Samantha “Sweetheart” Giancola saw the whole thing.  “He just grabbed his left arm, fell down, and yelled ‘Yo, I think I got a major situation in my chest and left arm!’  That’s when we called the ambulance.”

Mike Sorrentino pointing at his Situation

Paul “DJ Pauly D” Del Vecchio said that even in the face of death, The Situation was unflappable.  “Sitch was on the ground, writhing in pain, and he was still checking out the ladies.  He was shouting ‘Yo girl, wanna give me some mouth to mouth?  I’ll let you pump on my chest.’  He just wanted to get to the business, like a champ.”  At press time, The Situation was in critical condition at Community Memorial Hospital in Toms River, NJ.  However, EMT’s that were at the scene report his condition would have been much better had he not sent away the first EMS crew for being “grenades.”

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