Posts Tagged ‘ alcohol ’

Snooki Finds Biological Parents

Seaside Heights, NJ – After years of searching, adopted Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has been able to track down her biological mother and father with some help from MTV.  Her birth parents, Frank and Dawn Loompawitz, work in the factory of chocolate magnate Willy Wonka.  “We were young, had a wild night, and then a kid we couldn’t support,” said Frank.  “The only responsible choice was to give her up so she could lead a respectable life.”  Nicole’s parents said that their jobs in Wonka’s factory had long hours and low pay, and they felt they wouldn’t be able to provide Nicole with the advantages she deserved.  “I always dreamed our little girl would be a doctor,” said Frank.  “Maybe that’s how she had the resources to find us…”

Snooki's parents

The jobs in the factory even made them lose touch with the outside world.  “We work all the time and don’t own a TV or a computer,” Dawn said.  “We’re pretty disconnected, so when a camera crew showed up to bring us to Nicole, we were so surprised.  I bet she hosts a talk show or is a major news correspondent!”  Snooki was relieved that MTV was able to help her find her parents.  “I’m so excited that I finally found them.  I just can’t wait to meet them so they can see what a success I am!” shouted Snooki after a mid day shot of tequila.  When told they worked at Wonka’s factory, Snooki said it didn’t surprise her:  “I always say that I don’t tan…my skin is natural!  I guess that’s also why I love sucking on Gobstoppers for hours at a time.”

Hungover Girl Declares Lights Too Bright

Jennifer has to get off the train

Secaucus, NJ- After a night of heavy drinking and loud music, local woman Jennifer Colletti has announced that the lights on the NJ Transit Midtown Direct train are too bright. “Wow, does anyone else find these a bit extreme? Shouldn’t they be on a dimmer?” Jennifer asked. “I’d close my eyes but my eyelids hurt.” The previous night’s activities, which included shots, beers, dancing, karaoke, and a number of unintended trips to the floor, were not balanced with an equal or greater amount of water. The dehydrated condition that resulted, commonly referred to as a hangover, is known to have side effects ranging from a slight headache to total incapacitation. Much like the common cold, there is no definitive cure for a hangover. However, Jennifer tried some of the most common home remedies (Advil, chugging water, and a greasy breakfast) and reported they have done nothing to ease her discomfort and have actually made her feel worse. As we went to press, Jennifer was contemplating vomiting in a nearby Solo cup.

Semisonic to Release Two New Singles; Complete Musical Trilogy

Semisonic rehearsing their new singles

Minneapolis, MN – Rock band and 1990s one-hit-wonder Semisonic has finally been able to complete the musical trilogy they originally started with “Closing Time” by announcing the release of two new singles. The new songs, “Opening Time” and “Lunch Time,” are prequels to their previous hit and are intended to complete the day in the bar that Dan Wilson, lead singer and principal songwriter of Semisonic, set out to bring to life for the listeners. “At the release of our 1998 album, “Closing Time” was the most complete track of the trilogy. I didn’t want to release it before the other two, but I’m glad we did; it was a big hit for us!” Wilson said. “If it didn’t hurt George Lucas to release prequels, then how can it hurt us?” The new songs, which share the same melody as “Closing Time,” explain the importance of arriving on time, making sure the workplace is neat and tidy, enjoying a hearty meal, and returning to work within one hour of leaving for lunch.

The Shallot Exclusive: Wilson shared the opening verse of each song with us before they’re released to the public!
“Opening Time”
Opening time – Unlock the doors and head on in to work
Opening time – Turn all of the lights on so you can be productive
Opening time – Begin to inventory the alcohol so you can serve whiskey or beer
Opening time – You just got to work so your only choice is to stay here

“Lunch Time”
Lunch time – Head on out the door and go get a sandwich
Lunch time – You don’t like Subway so go get a Quizno’s sub
Lunch time – Its lunch, so it’s frowned upon to have whiskey or beer
Lunch time – You get to leave for one hour and then its straight back here

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