Coworker Needs To Take Shit

Zionsville, IN – Scattered reports from the marketing department say that James O’Keefe may need to take a shit.  “He just looks uncomfortable, lots of fidgeting,” said coworker Tom Duncan.  “He’s usually calm and collected after lunch.”  Fellow employee Fred Stark agreed: “I saw him walk away with his Blackberry this morning for about 15 minutes.  Typically that does it for him.  I feel for the guy though, looks like he’s in agony.”  When reached for comment, O’Keefe said that he did have to shit, but didn’t want to go twice in one day at work.  “It’s uncomfortable but I’ll just hold it.  I don’t want people to talk about me taking a second shit.”

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Ugly Girl Puts Attractive Friend in Profile Picture

Daytona Beach, FL – Local pig face Jenny Gerton has added attractive friend Sarah Hill to her Facebook photo in an ill advised attempt to lessen disappointment when meeting people face to face.  “The way I see it, if people see both of us in the picture, it’ll at least make people accept my friend requests.”  By blocking all tagged photos, she has also ensured that nobody will find out who she is until they meet face to face.  “I guess people will think they have a 50% chance of meeting a beauty and not be immediately disenchanted by me.”  When asked for comment Sarah said “I wish she wouldn’t put me in that picture.  I don’t need people thinking I’m a fat hog.”

Vice President Biden Wins Big on Horse Race

East Rutherford, NJ – After a tense 2 minutes of racing late Saturday, Vice President Joe Biden held an impromptu press conference to announce that his long shot bet had paid off handsomely. “Everyone was saying not to put my lucky $2 bill down on Shooting Star, a 14:1 shot, but it was a risk I had to take,” Biden told the small, captive audience as he held a freshly poured pint of Coors Light. “No more long necks for me, just draughts tonight. Hey sugar, let me set you up with some buffalo wings and a fresh pack of smokes! What’s your brand?” Biden told Long Island mother of two April Jones, who had encouraged him to make the initial bet. “Nothing can stop me tonight, let’s keep this thrill ride going!” Biden was later seen sobbing on the bar as 20:1 shot Little Foot, the horse he tried to continue his “hot streak” with, had broken it’s leg out of the gate.

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