Weekend Off

So I’m away this weekend. There won’t be anything new. I didn’t write anything before I left, it’s been a busy week. Take a look at some of the older ones you may not have read before! They age like Franzia. There are now almost 30 articles (well, 30 total posts, 28 articles…), so I’m sure you haven’t seen them all!

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Forrest Gump Arrested on Rape Charge

Greenbow, AL – Forrest Gump, the famous runner, businessman, war hero, and lawn care specialist, was taken in to custody earlier today by Alabama State Police on a charge of rape in the first degree.  According to the police report, the victim, Jenny Curran said that Gump first beat her, and the next thing she knew, she woke up naked in a muddy ditch by the side of the interstate.  In her statement to police, Curran said that Gump had always been overly protective of her, but he had never acted aggressively or tried to attack her, just the men she was with.  After he was arrested mowing the lawn at the local university, the owner of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Corporation quickly posted bail and left prison.

Gump on his favorite bench

On his way out of the jail Gump did speak to reporters.  “I told her I loved her, but she said I didn’t know what love was.  I just got tired of Jennay always rejecting me.  So I decided right then and there that I’d rape her,” Gump told the gathered throng of reporters.  “I hit her over the head with a shovel, had my way with her, and then left her in a ditch.”  When asked if it was stupid to first rape one of his oldest friends and then confess to both police and reporters, Gump said “stupid is as stupid does.  Mama never did tell me what that meant…”  Gump then announced that he had “to pee” and started running down the middle of the road towards his house, closely pursued by a pickup truck full of people throwing rocks at him.

Local Grandma to Cash in on Betty White Craze

Flint, MI – Citing reduced admiration and affection from her grandkids, area grandmother Eunice Patterson has decided to reinvigorate their love by finding a way to piggyback off the fame of 88-year-old actress and comedienne Betty White.  “They didn’t like the cookies I brought them last week and they didn’t even say thank you.  All they could talk about was Betty White on Saturday Night Live and how great she was,” said Patterson.  “I heard about some sort of  program that broadcasts everyone, on the internets.  The YouTubes I think it was called.  Maybe I’ll audition to get on there.”

Eunice doing her George Burns impression

Eunice isn’t quite sure how YouTube works or what it is exactly, but she says that if it will make her grandkids pay attention to her then she’s willing to try it.  “I bet it’s something similar to that show Bob Seger hosted years ago, Hilarious Candid Moments, or something like that,” Eunice told a couple nearby reporters.  “Is it at all like Tweeter or The Facesite Jason and Brandon mentioned last week?  Do you think they would accept 8mm film?”   Eunice’s grandkids were indifferent to her plan to get into mass media.  “Who would watch an old lady like grandma telling some poorly filmed jokes?” said her grandson Jason.  “She doesn’t own a computer, so this should be fairly interesting.”  As we went to press, Eunice was seen putting a Betamax tape in an envelope and then searching the Yellow Pages for YouTube’s mailing address.

Jersey Shore Star Announces Plans to Use More Hair Gel

Johnston, RI – Paul “DJ Pauly D” Del Vecchio today told reporters at an impromptu press conference that he intended to increase his hair gel consumption immediately.  “A photo has surfaced on the internet of my hair ungelled after a shower,” a noticeably bothered Del Vecchio said.  “That picture should have stayed private.  I can’t risk being seen like that again, I got an image to keep up and the girls said I looked like a surfer.”  After a pause, Pauly D shook his head and added, “That’s f’ed up.”

The damning picture

Del Vecchio said that the only time that his hair loses its trademark form is when he showers, as he always keeps his head above water in the ocean or the hot tub.  “My hair is convertible proof, motorcycle proof, sun proof, and possibly even bullet proof.  It’s salt water resistant and even once survived a brief exposure to sulfuric acid.  It’s pretty much invincible,” Del Vecchio told the group of reporters.  “I just need to make it waterproof; shampoos and soaps have always been my downfall.”  Del Vecchio then mused about a possible solution.  “I wonder if anyone makes a Teflon based hair gel?  I’d be the first to endorse it!”  After the press conference, Pauly D was overheard asking if there was a way that he could shave his head and then have a plastic mold of his original hairstyle fused to his scalp.

Man Honors 9/11 Victims with Facebook Status

Syosset, NY – In honor of the ninth anniversary of the most destructive terrorist attack ever on American soil, Tom Grant has decided that the best way that he can show his support is through updating his Facebook status.  “I’ve got 350 or so friends, this is a good way to let them know that I’ve still remembered this tragic event,” said Grant.  “I figure it’s literally the least I can do.”  Grant has been unable to decide between a number of status messages that he thought would be appropriate.  He said they’ve ranged from the simplicity of just “USA” to a longer heartfelt narrative on his appreciation for the troops.  Grant isn’t sure which would garner the most ‘Likes’ and comments from his friends.

Tom agonizing over his status

“I figure something short and sweet is easy.  I’ll probably go with ‘Never Forget,’ that’s concise and everyone will know what it means.” Tom told a group of gathered reporters.  “I just hope at least three or four people click the ‘Like’ button and at least one person comments.  I’m not putting this out there for nothing!”  As we went to press, Tom was considering changing his profile picture to an American flag, a bald eagle, or the Twin Towers to elicit a bigger response.

Carl Sagan Having Awesome Time in Heaven

HEAVEN – Deceased astronomer, astrophysicist, cosmologist, television personality, and author Carl Sagan reappeared for a brief moment today to declare his love of the afterlife.  “This is so much better than Earth!” the specter of Sagan declared.  “Einstein and I have been flying all over at the speed of light.  Apparently that’s possible.”  As he sat down to his dinner of unicorn and centaur, Sagan added “There’s quite a few of us up there with egg on our face.”

Sagan's ghost

A noted skeptic and agnostic, Sagan’s reappearance in the earthly realm has made many scientists question the very fabric of life itself.  “It seems that we were put here by a creator.  There goes that whole ‘Big Bang Theory,’” said theoretical physicist and cosmologist Stephen Hawking.  “That’s all of my research down the drain.”  Hawking then realized that Sagan’s sudden death and his own crippling muscular dystrophy must have been God’s revenge for their questioning him.  When asked if this were true, God only chuckled, shrugged his shoulders, and chugged an entire can of Caffeine Free Diet Cherry Shasta that he made appear out of thin air.

Kids to Discuss “Cool Stuff”

Montville, NJ – Citing the need to get away from the rest of the Lake Valhalla country club patrons, local ten-year-olds Todd Osterman and Eddie Seifert plan to swim out to the far docks to converse about developments in the area of cool stuff.  “We would do it here at the snack bar, but we don’t need everyone hearing what we’re talking about,” Osterman said.  “The debate of Sour vs. Fizzy Warheads is just heating up and where we stand on this key cool issue is nobody’s business.”

Far dock during fat kid/thin kid summit

The far docks are made up of two floating pontoons located approximately 50 meters from the shore of the lake and have seen many cool discussions over the years.  Notable topics from past cool meetings on the dock include “Doritos or Fritos,” what really is the best level in Goldeneye for N64, what to do with all the money in the world, which teacher is the worst in school, and many others.  Seifert said that they are fun to swim to, but don’t always allow for supreme privacy.  “I remember the last time we were out there having an incredibly thorough cool discussion, I think it was the longest lifespan of a Gigapet, and Ben Graenemy swam up.  That pretty much ruined it,” declared Seifert.  “That kid stinks.”  As we went to press, Todd and Eddie were waiting for the 13-year-old girls to adjourn their far dock conference regarding who was “hot-or-not” before they could swim out.

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