Greenbow, AL – Forrest Gump, the famous runner, businessman, war hero, and lawn care specialist, was taken in to custody earlier today by Alabama State Police on a charge of rape in the first degree. According to the police report, the victim, Jenny Curran said that Gump first beat her, and the next thing she knew, she woke up naked in a muddy ditch by the side of the interstate. In her statement to police, Curran said that Gump had always been overly protective of her, but he had never acted aggressively or tried to attack her, just the men she was with. After he was arrested mowing the lawn at the local university, the owner of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Corporation quickly posted bail and left prison.
Gump on his favorite bench
On his way out of the jail Gump did speak to reporters. “I told her I loved her, but she said I didn’t know what love was. I just got tired of Jennay always rejecting me. So I decided right then and there that I’d rape her,” Gump told the gathered throng of reporters. “I hit her over the head with a shovel, had my way with her, and then left her in a ditch.” When asked if it was stupid to first rape one of his oldest friends and then confess to both police and reporters, Gump said “stupid is as stupid does. Mama never did tell me what that meant…” Gump then announced that he had “to pee” and started running down the middle of the road towards his house, closely pursued by a pickup truck full of people throwing rocks at him.