Deaf-Mute Baffled by Verbal Communication

Sheboygan, WI – Local man Thomas Becker has confirmed that he is confounded by spoken language and how it affects the deaf-mute community.  Becker, who was born with paralyzed vocal chords and no eardrums, has written prolifically about how he thinks speaking is overrated.  “It may just be my condition, but what’s really the point of talking?” Becker wrote.  “Writing is concise and meaningful; there’s no added fluff.  When I watch TV, the captions tell me that the people are talking about nothing of any importance whatsoever.”  Added Becker, “I just don’t get it.”


Thomas not listening


Becker’s friends said that he has been unwilling to even try and change his viewpoint.  “We’ve tried to get him to understand what’s so great about casually chatting with each other, but he always just gives a blank stare and then writes an angry note about ‘not hearing us,’” said longtime acquaintance James Bogues.  “I guess half the fun of hanging out with Thomas is making fun of him to his face and he can’t hear or respond to it.  Actually, that’s really all the fun actually, since he has never added anything useful to any conversation, ever.”  Thomas has also unrepentantly criticized Helen Keller for setting their kind back hundred of years.  “Helen made everyone have unrealistic expectations of those of us that can’t talk,” Becker wrote.  “She was such a bitch…I bet she wasn’t really disabled.  How can a blind-deaf-mute be a motivational speaker?”  Becker has gotten through the last 30 years of his life without talking, and reportedly doesn’t plan to undergo experimental surgery to fix his vocal chords.  When asked why, Becker responded by punching his notepad, breathing heavily, and making a slight grunting noise as his pen had run out ink.


Dante’s Peak Named “Best Volcano Action Movie of 1997” by AFI

Los Angeles, CA – The American Film Institute today announced that the 1997 volcano based action movie Dante’s Peak has stood the test of time and is definitely the best movie from that year centered on a geological event. “Dante’s Peak is truly a thrilling piece of filmmaking,” said Sir Howard Stringer, the AFI’s chairman. “The movie has real geology in it without being boring and the romantic chemistry between Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton isn’t too gushy. I just love it.” Pierce Brosnan, who played USGS scientist Dr. Harry Dalton, said that the movie was loosely based on the eruption of Mount St. Helens and written to be as accurate as possible. “This movie put me on the map, everywhere I go people were shouting ‘hey Dalton, where’s the fire?’ and ‘we don’t think there’s going to be a lahar!’” Brosnan said. “I jumped at the opportunity to play Bond just so I wouldn’t be typecast as the stereotypical immigrant Brit volcanologist at the USGS for the rest of my career.”

The Contenders

The movie that came second in the ranking, Volcano, lost marks for it’s scientific inaccuracy, wimpy daughter, and exploitation of racial conflict in a post Rodney King LA. “Don’t get me wrong, Volcano is another excellent volcano related movie from 1997,” Stringer said. “However, the movie has too many ancillary topics. Race relations in Los Angeles? Tommy Lee Jones’ divorce and the effect on that pissy little daughter of his? Don Cheadle wearing a backwards beret in a crisis center and acting super smooth? I just want to see how the volcano destroyed things.” Added Stringer, “And Anne Heche as a scientist? I don’t think so.” Volcano actor Tommy Lee Jones released a statement saying that he “didn’t care about the loss” as long as Men In Black II still had the title of “best Men In Black sequel with a Michael Jackson cameo released in 2002.”

Miata: The Answer to Every Question

I was published in Jalopnik’s Next Top Car Blogger contest. Please clicky the linky and check it out!


Harry Reid on Economy: “You’re a racist!”

(This is an article I was asked to write for a website.  I was given the headline and asked to write around 400-500 words.  The final, edited product, appears here:

Reid at the press conference

Washington, DC – At a press conference earlier today, Senator Harry Reid (D, NV) answered questions ranging from foreign affairs to gay marriage to abortion, and even the economy.  The proceedings took a heated turn when Fox News correspondent Major Garrett asked Reid if he regretted pressuring banks to make subprime loans to unqualified individuals, which was a major contributor to the current financial crisis.

“You’re a racist!” Reid yelled at Garrett after he asked his question.  “Do you know how I know that?  You said we made them give loans to people that were unqualified.  A vast majority of those people you referred to as ‘unqualified’ were minorities.  Basically, you just asked me if I regret helping minorities get loans.  While you might deny loans based on race, I don’t feel that’s an appropriate litmus test and I don’t regret helping those in need.”

Added Reid, “Unbelievable, typical conservative blather.”

Capitol Hill was abuzz over the exchange, and one senator threw in his two cents on the matter.  Senator Orrin Hatch (R, UT), a longtime colleague of Reid’s, said that this was Reid’s typical tactic of deflection from the issues at hand.  “I’ve know Harry for years, he’s a great guy,” said Hatch.  “However, from time to time he has this tendency to lash out when he can’t defend himself.  When I asked him if he dented my car last week he said I was ‘just a shill for big business.’”  Hatch also said that he didn’t believe Reid was trying to be malicious towards Garrett in any way, but knew that he wasn’t able to defend his previous actions.

The other key player in the exchange, Major Garrett, wasn’t so sure that Reid was being totally fair.  “Whenever (NBC News Political Director) David Gregory had a question, Reid bent over backwards to answer it,” Garrett told us. “However, when I asked a question, he frequently acted like he did not see me or pretended that I had asked him how his family was.”

This outburst comes just nine months after Reid made an insensitive, race driven statement about President Obama.  In those remarks, he insinuated that the president was popular because of his light skin tone for an African-American.  Reid’s poor wording in that instance resulted in others accusing him of being a racist, something that he vehemently denied.  Senators and colleagues alike refused to comment on the record, but some have stated confidentially that they believe Reid was overcompensating for that prior faux pas.

In order to stem the flow of negative PR, Reid’s office has issued a press release defending his actions and behavior at the press conference.  The release said “Fox News has a long history of conservative bias and a contentious relationship with Senator Reid.  Senator Reid’s record on civil rights is unblemished, and a comment that he felt questioned his commitment to equality needed to be addressed immediately and aggressively.”  While Reid could not be reached for comment, his Communications Director Jon Summers said, “Senator Reid was right to criticize Garrett.  And if you’re questioning why he did, then I’m willing to bet that you’re in favor of partial birth abortion.”

Study: Getting Stabbed Bad for Health

Chicago, IL – According to a study released today by the American Medical Association, being stabbed is not a healthy lifestyle choice.  The study, conducted over a year on people of various ages, was done to see the effect stabbing has on the body as well as lifespan.  “In this study, the control group vastly out performed the experimental group,” said Dr. Peter Carmel, President of the AMA.  “Of course, the people in the control group weren’t the ones that got stabbed.”  The study found that people who weren’t stabbed were almost 100% less likely to die from massive hemorrhaging of blood due to a gigantic open wound.

The control group after the study

“We knew that stabbing was bad from the get go, but we were surprised that it had pretty much the same effect on people of any age, gender, or race,” Carmel told reporters.  “A 75 year old white man died in about the same amount of time as a 16 year old Chinese girl when both were stabbed in the heart and not treated.”  Carmel went on to say that somebody stabbed in the arm or leg did seem to live a little longer than someone stabbed in the heart, neck, or head, but if they were left untreated any stab wound would prove fatal.  The study concludes that people should stay out of any situation that could result in being stabbed, and that anyone who does gets stabbed should seek immediate medical attention to fix the gaping, blood gushing hole in their body.

Insensitive Joke Made OK by Saying “Too Soon?”

Tuscaloosa, AL – A joke about recently deceased friend Jeffrey Donaldson was made humorous today with an immediate follow up of “too soon?” by joke teller Dean Richmond.  Reports suggest that Richmond, who is a terrible person, has used this tactic numerous times when he makes an off color remark.  “If you follow up something truly horrible with ‘too soon?,’ people tend to think you didn’t actually mean what you said,” Richmond told reporters.  “What’s beautiful is that everyone shares a hearty laugh and you get to say something unbelievably awful with no repercussions.  Everyone wins.”  Donaldson’s death was the latest in a long line of unfortunate events that Richmond has used to his advantage.  “2009, that was a great year for me,” Richmond continued.  “I can’t say that was something I shared with Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Ted Kennedy, or Billy Mays.  See, they all died.”

Doesn't he just look like a douche?

Over the years, Richmond’s friends have described him as “awful,” “a douche,” and even “an absolute turd of a man” but have always added that he is “undeniably hilarious.”  Donaldson, a longtime acquaintance that was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, died from injuries he received in a car crash while his son Thomas was driving.  “I’m willing to bet that Jeff always thought the cancer would kill him before his son got a chance…Too soon?” said Richmond.  “See?  Works every time!”

Kids Ask Mother How She Met Their Father

New York, NY – Citing the need to move on with their lives, Sarah and Ben Mosby have decided to ask their mother how she met their father.    “We love Daddy, but he’s been telling this story for five straight years and we still don’t know how they met,” said Sarah.  “We didn’t ask about his ex-girlfriends, Mom’s roommate, doppelgangers, Aunt Robin’s news program, or Uncle Barney’s really disgusting sexual appetite.”  Their father, Ted Mosby, an architect and professor, is known for being a thoroughly detailed storyteller who takes quite a while to get to the point.  “Ted must have lost at least 25-30 women by just talking on and on,” said Barney Stinson, a longtime friend.  “I’m just glad ole Barney was always around to call dibs when Ted failed.”

The kids on the they have been for five years

Mosby’s college roommate and best friend Marshall Eriksen echoes the thoughts of Stinson.  Eriksen has said that Mosby, while good intentioned, does have the ability to be incredibly boring and long-winded.  While Marshall knows how the two met, he and wife Lily are under strict orders from Ted not to say anything to the kids.  “Ted told me that if I tell them then he wouldn’t design the offices for my new law firm.  He’s not a great architect, but he would do it for free,” said Eriksen.  “That’s worth it to me.”  Mosby said the reason he tells the story this way is that he doesn’t want to miss any details.  “If all goes to plan, I’ll be telling this story until at least May 2011,” said Mosby.  “Honestly, it’s definitely possible that I could tell it for a few more years.”  As we went to press, Mosby was running to the kitchen to cover his wife’s mouth before she could tell the kids her two-minute version of how they met.

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