Archive for the ‘ TV ’ Category

Local Man Takes Notes During Episode of “Man vs. Wild”

Perkasie, PA – Citing his upcoming trip to Costa Rica, local businessman Frank Logue took detailed notes on the survival techniques Bear Grylls used on his trip to Belize for “Man vs. Wild.”  Frank believes that even though they are different nations, he may still face the same challenges on his family vacation.  “What if I get stranded on a man made raft for a day or two in the ocean and all I find is some rancid freshwater on a deserted island?” said Logue.  “If I do, now I’ll know how to give myself an enema and stay hydrated!”

Frank learning how to make a fire with two sticks

The part that most concerned Logue about being lost in the jungle was what to eat.  However, he believes that Grylls’ show has also prepared him well for that.  “He said I shouldn’t eat tree leaves that have a white milk coming out of them, but I can definitely eat a scorpion, a raw egg, or maggots with no worries,” Logue noted.  “I figure this one hour show has shown me enough wilderness survival training to spend a week in any conditions.”  When reached for comment, the Four Seasons Resort at Peninsula Papagayo, where Mr. Logue will be staying, said that he had called numerous times to inquire if there were any nearby beaches with “flotsam, jetsam, debris, or anything else that could be used to save water or build a shelter” as well as if there was a “good local helicopter pilot that could extricate him when the trip was over.”

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Kids Ask Mother How She Met Their Father

New York, NY – Citing the need to move on with their lives, Sarah and Ben Mosby have decided to ask their mother how she met their father.    “We love Daddy, but he’s been telling this story for five straight years and we still don’t know how they met,” said Sarah.  “We didn’t ask about his ex-girlfriends, Mom’s roommate, doppelgangers, Aunt Robin’s news program, or Uncle Barney’s really disgusting sexual appetite.”  Their father, Ted Mosby, an architect and professor, is known for being a thoroughly detailed storyteller who takes quite a while to get to the point.  “Ted must have lost at least 25-30 women by just talking on and on,” said Barney Stinson, a longtime friend.  “I’m just glad ole Barney was always around to call dibs when Ted failed.”

The kids on the couch...as they have been for five years

Mosby’s college roommate and best friend Marshall Eriksen echoes the thoughts of Stinson.  Eriksen has said that Mosby, while good intentioned, does have the ability to be incredibly boring and long-winded.  While Marshall knows how the two met, he and wife Lily are under strict orders from Ted not to say anything to the kids.  “Ted told me that if I tell them then he wouldn’t design the offices for my new law firm.  He’s not a great architect, but he would do it for free,” said Eriksen.  “That’s worth it to me.”  Mosby said the reason he tells the story this way is that he doesn’t want to miss any details.  “If all goes to plan, I’ll be telling this story until at least May 2011,” said Mosby.  “Honestly, it’s definitely possible that I could tell it for a few more years.”  As we went to press, Mosby was running to the kitchen to cover his wife’s mouth before she could tell the kids her two-minute version of how they met.

Jersey Shore Star Announces Plans to Use More Hair Gel

Johnston, RI – Paul “DJ Pauly D” Del Vecchio today told reporters at an impromptu press conference that he intended to increase his hair gel consumption immediately.  “A photo has surfaced on the internet of my hair ungelled after a shower,” a noticeably bothered Del Vecchio said.  “That picture should have stayed private.  I can’t risk being seen like that again, I got an image to keep up and the girls said I looked like a surfer.”  After a pause, Pauly D shook his head and added, “That’s f’ed up.”

The damning picture

Del Vecchio said that the only time that his hair loses its trademark form is when he showers, as he always keeps his head above water in the ocean or the hot tub.  “My hair is convertible proof, motorcycle proof, sun proof, and possibly even bullet proof.  It’s salt water resistant and even once survived a brief exposure to sulfuric acid.  It’s pretty much invincible,” Del Vecchio told the group of reporters.  “I just need to make it waterproof; shampoos and soaps have always been my downfall.”  Del Vecchio then mused about a possible solution.  “I wonder if anyone makes a Teflon based hair gel?  I’d be the first to endorse it!”  After the press conference, Pauly D was overheard asking if there was a way that he could shave his head and then have a plastic mold of his original hairstyle fused to his scalp.

Snooki Finds Biological Parents

Seaside Heights, NJ – After years of searching, adopted Jersey Shore star Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi has been able to track down her biological mother and father with some help from MTV.  Her birth parents, Frank and Dawn Loompawitz, work in the factory of chocolate magnate Willy Wonka.  “We were young, had a wild night, and then a kid we couldn’t support,” said Frank.  “The only responsible choice was to give her up so she could lead a respectable life.”  Nicole’s parents said that their jobs in Wonka’s factory had long hours and low pay, and they felt they wouldn’t be able to provide Nicole with the advantages she deserved.  “I always dreamed our little girl would be a doctor,” said Frank.  “Maybe that’s how she had the resources to find us…”

Snooki's parents

The jobs in the factory even made them lose touch with the outside world.  “We work all the time and don’t own a TV or a computer,” Dawn said.  “We’re pretty disconnected, so when a camera crew showed up to bring us to Nicole, we were so surprised.  I bet she hosts a talk show or is a major news correspondent!”  Snooki was relieved that MTV was able to help her find her parents.  “I’m so excited that I finally found them.  I just can’t wait to meet them so they can see what a success I am!” shouted Snooki after a mid day shot of tequila.  When told they worked at Wonka’s factory, Snooki said it didn’t surprise her:  “I always say that I don’t tan…my skin is natural!  I guess that’s also why I love sucking on Gobstoppers for hours at a time.”

That 70’s Show Pretty Good

Austin, TX – George Benson told a group or reporters today that he thinks That 70’s Show is definitely decent.  “I catch the reruns whenever I can, makes me chuckle, I’ll tell ya,” George said.  “I used to sit around, smoke up, and talk to my friends about random shit when I was younger, so I totally relate.” That 70’s Show focuses on the lives of six high school students from the fictional town of Point Place, WI.  Over the years the characters get in to increasingly more preposterous jams and tough situations, which usually result in laughs for all involved.

That zany cast

“I really enjoy Fez, he’s even more zany than the rest of them!  Did you know that isn’t his real name?  It’s an acronym for ‘foreign exchange student.’ Clever!” George said.  “I like it when he yells ‘I said good day!’  Classic.”  George then added that he was “a lot like Eric Forman,” his Dad often called him a “dumbass,” and he was given the family station wagon when he turned 16.

Black Woman to Host Talk Show

Chicago, IL – Television viewers nationwide are reporting that they are beginning to see advertisements for a fall talk show hosted by a black woman.  “She’s following in the steps of Rosa Parks, good for her!” Chicago resident Joanna Bulcher said.  “I just don’t know if I’m ready to accept a black person as a host.  I only watch Maury.  Will this show be all paternity tests?”  The commercials show clips of the woman in front of an enthusiastic audience saying that “people want to be heard” and then appears to be giving them extravagant gifts.  “I’ll tell ya, black women are coming a long way.  Now they can sit anywhere they want on a bus and can host talk shows.  I’ve even heard that the first lady is black!” added Springfield, IL resident Tom Stevens.  “Bob Dylan was right, the times they are a changin’…”

Winfrey with an excited guest

The show, named after host Oprah Winfrey, will premiere September 13th nationwide.  Jerry Springer believes the Oprah Winfrey Show will only last until the spring.   “There’s no way she’ll make it, the people want to hear hard hitting stories from a white man they trust.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to talk to some overweight teenage heroin addicts who have sex in exchange for cheeseburgers.”

Situation Suffers Infarction

Seaside Heights, NJ – Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino today collapsed on the Seaside Heights Boardwalk due to a Myocardial Infarction, more commonly known as a heart attack.  Eyewitnesses say that The Situation was “creeping hardcore on some girls” and suddenly clutched his left arm.  Samantha “Sweetheart” Giancola saw the whole thing.  “He just grabbed his left arm, fell down, and yelled ‘Yo, I think I got a major situation in my chest and left arm!’  That’s when we called the ambulance.”

Mike Sorrentino pointing at his Situation

Paul “DJ Pauly D” Del Vecchio said that even in the face of death, The Situation was unflappable.  “Sitch was on the ground, writhing in pain, and he was still checking out the ladies.  He was shouting ‘Yo girl, wanna give me some mouth to mouth?  I’ll let you pump on my chest.’  He just wanted to get to the business, like a champ.”  At press time, The Situation was in critical condition at Community Memorial Hospital in Toms River, NJ.  However, EMT’s that were at the scene report his condition would have been much better had he not sent away the first EMS crew for being “grenades.”

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