Archive for the ‘ Politics ’ Category

Democrats Regretting Not Inserting ‘End of Career Consultation’ Into Health Care Bill

(This is an article I was asked to write for a website.  I was given the headline and asked to write around 400-500 words.  The final, edited product, appears here:

The workplace that will be missed

Washington, DC – With the mid-term elections quickly approaching, Democratic Senators and Congressmen have begun to lament not including a few key provisions in the monumental health care bill that they passed earlier this year.  The bill, which was passed solely on the support of Democrats, includes numerous facets that were meant to ease the burden of health care on the middle class.  It was declared partisan by Republicans as their support was not even asked for in passing it while Democrats painted them as enemies of the middle class.  However, Democrats are beginning to regret the omission of end of career consultation from the bill.

Democrats believe that their jobs have been put in danger due to smear tactics by Republicans who are trying to sully the name of the bill.  The fear that is sweeping congress’s majority party is that their majority may be thoroughly eroded or even lost in November during the mid term elections.

“Our jobs are on the line,” said Senator Russ Feingold (D, WI).  “What am I supposed to do if I can’t try to reach across the aisle everyday?  I don’t know how I’ll get by…I haven’t worked at a real job since 1985!”  Feingold then added, “not that this isn’t a real job, but I still get paid even when I don’t show up and we get vacations like teachers.  That’s pretty good.”

Feingold is not the only Senator who believes that the provision would have come in handy for them this November.  Ironically, political backlash that originated with this very bill has put Democratic seats across the nation in jeopardy.  The Tea Party and other influential political organizations believe that this bill has constituted a socialistic approach to health care, and they have begun to be very vocal about their dissatisfaction with the government.

“I think it shows that the very brief honeymoon with Obama is over,” said Christine O’Donnell, the Republican Senatorial candidate from Delaware.  “My deficit in a Democratic stronghold isn’t that big, and I used to dabble in witchcraft and am against masturbation.  I’m overcoming a lot of odds here!”

Representative Chet Edwards (D, TX-17), who is currently behind in the polls and in danger of losing his seat, agreed with Feingold.

“This is a tough time for anyone, I can’t imagine being out of work,” Edwards told gathered reporters.  “If we had just included this in the bill, then people that are out of work could be consulted on how badly things are going for them, us included.”

When asked if he realized that this consultation was only for those that were at the end of their careers, not those currently unemployed, Edwards said that they should have added consultation for everyone to the bill.  “That would have made those unemployed people complain a hell of a lot less, I’ll tell ya.  Well, complain publicly that is.” Edwards added.

Jason Altmire (D, PA-4) was able to sum up the thoughts of the Democratic camp.  “If we lose, we lose.  While the public may disagree, we did a great job this year and got some tough legislation passed,” Altmire said.  “This won’t be the end of the world. I think we’ll get by without this career counseling.  Wouldn’t it be worse if we had to be consulted on the options that we had for end of life care?”


Harry Reid on Economy: “You’re a racist!”

(This is an article I was asked to write for a website.  I was given the headline and asked to write around 400-500 words.  The final, edited product, appears here:

Reid at the press conference

Washington, DC – At a press conference earlier today, Senator Harry Reid (D, NV) answered questions ranging from foreign affairs to gay marriage to abortion, and even the economy.  The proceedings took a heated turn when Fox News correspondent Major Garrett asked Reid if he regretted pressuring banks to make subprime loans to unqualified individuals, which was a major contributor to the current financial crisis.

“You’re a racist!” Reid yelled at Garrett after he asked his question.  “Do you know how I know that?  You said we made them give loans to people that were unqualified.  A vast majority of those people you referred to as ‘unqualified’ were minorities.  Basically, you just asked me if I regret helping minorities get loans.  While you might deny loans based on race, I don’t feel that’s an appropriate litmus test and I don’t regret helping those in need.”

Added Reid, “Unbelievable, typical conservative blather.”

Capitol Hill was abuzz over the exchange, and one senator threw in his two cents on the matter.  Senator Orrin Hatch (R, UT), a longtime colleague of Reid’s, said that this was Reid’s typical tactic of deflection from the issues at hand.  “I’ve know Harry for years, he’s a great guy,” said Hatch.  “However, from time to time he has this tendency to lash out when he can’t defend himself.  When I asked him if he dented my car last week he said I was ‘just a shill for big business.’”  Hatch also said that he didn’t believe Reid was trying to be malicious towards Garrett in any way, but knew that he wasn’t able to defend his previous actions.

The other key player in the exchange, Major Garrett, wasn’t so sure that Reid was being totally fair.  “Whenever (NBC News Political Director) David Gregory had a question, Reid bent over backwards to answer it,” Garrett told us. “However, when I asked a question, he frequently acted like he did not see me or pretended that I had asked him how his family was.”

This outburst comes just nine months after Reid made an insensitive, race driven statement about President Obama.  In those remarks, he insinuated that the president was popular because of his light skin tone for an African-American.  Reid’s poor wording in that instance resulted in others accusing him of being a racist, something that he vehemently denied.  Senators and colleagues alike refused to comment on the record, but some have stated confidentially that they believe Reid was overcompensating for that prior faux pas.

In order to stem the flow of negative PR, Reid’s office has issued a press release defending his actions and behavior at the press conference.  The release said “Fox News has a long history of conservative bias and a contentious relationship with Senator Reid.  Senator Reid’s record on civil rights is unblemished, and a comment that he felt questioned his commitment to equality needed to be addressed immediately and aggressively.”  While Reid could not be reached for comment, his Communications Director Jon Summers said, “Senator Reid was right to criticize Garrett.  And if you’re questioning why he did, then I’m willing to bet that you’re in favor of partial birth abortion.”

Official: Iran Fucking Nuts

The ambassador heading to a diplomat

Washington, DC – Following Iran’s introduction of it’s “Ambassador of Death” on Saturday, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates officially confirmed what many had been thinking for a while.  “We know that this may seem obvious, but we need to make sure we have all our sources straight, especially after the WMD debacle in Iraq,” Gates told a packed briefing.  “Iran is fucking insane.  Ambassador of Death?  That doesn’t really sound like something our sane friends in Lichtenstein would make, now does it?”  The Karrar drone – its official name – is an unmanned, long-range bomber craft designed to destroy Iran’s enemies throughout the world, as well as a visual confirmation that Iran is mentally unstable.  The confirmation that Iran was batshit crazy was not met with shock through the western world.  “Denying the Holocaust? Yea, that’s when I first started questioning their sanity,” said Washington area teacher Jane Sandoval. “But this thing, Christ almighty!  It’s not even stealthy…it’s fire engine red and powered by a giant rocket.  Come on!”


When asked for her thoughts on Iran’s recent activation of their first nuclear power plant, Jane said she thinks they might be using it to create “an army of radioactive Blanka-esque warlords” to dominate the Middle East.

Stoner Makes Perpetual Motion Device

Seattle, WA – Seattle area organic farmer and marijuana enthusiast John Tanner has singlehandedly-disproved stereotypes of stoners by making a working perpetual motion device. “Y’know, I wasn’t even trying to make one. Who would’ve thought that a gravity bong didn’t have to adhere to the laws of thermodynamics?” John remarked. “Ohhh, does anyone have some Cheetos? Perpetual motion gives me the munchies, man. Hey, my dreadlocks are really soft. I’ve never really felt them, man.”

The Device

Scientists have long considered a perpetual motion device impossible due to the established laws of physics. “The idea that you can create work without putting anything in, well, that’s the ultimate wet dream of the physicist,” said Dr. Marshall Baker of the University of Washington. “However, I guess it’s fitting that a pot head invented something that requires no input of energy.” Following hot on the heels of this discovery, Chet Heckler of Mobile, Alabama announced he had discovered the secret to cold fusion in his meth lab.

Lyndon LaRouche Comparing Everyone to Hitler

Rochester, NH – Perennial grouch, coot, and codger Lyndon LaRouche has now decided that everyone is Hitler.  “I wish I had figured this out 40 years ago, it would have saved me a lot of time,” LaRouche declared.  Since having this revelation, LaRouche says that work has become so much easier for him.  “Obama is Hitler, both Bushes were Hitler, Putin is Hitler, in retrospect, Chester A. Arthur was a bit like Hiter.   And don’t get me started on Hitler!”

LaRouche doesn't compare himself to Hitler

LaRouche has not limited this realization to those in the public spotlight.  His family and friends have been included in this new outlook.  “I used to have to think of elaborate similes for my family members and how disappointing they were, but this is much easier.  Hell, even my granddaughter Becky is a little Hitler, she made such shitty brownies for my birthday.”   When asked for comment, Becky blamed the bad brownies on “the Jews.”

Capitalism, Freedom Declared Enemies of America

Washington, DC – Two founding tenets of American life are now under fire for their role in the Oklahoma City Bombing, the USS Cole attack, and 9/11, among others.  In a televised address, President Barack Obama today officially announced his administration was taking the threat a capitalistic and free society – two founding principles of America – poses very seriously.  “We’ve carefully considered these national security risks, and have realized that we are the greatest threat to ourselves. Terrorists are not a problem for America; our own way of life is to blame.  These two social mores are enemy combatants within our own country,” declared Obama.

Obama speaking freely

“Obviously, any aspect of our lives that insights anger from nations abroad needs to be eliminated,” Obama continued.  “Frankly, I’m surprised action was not taken to curb these obvious problems after the bombing of Pearl Harbor.”  It is anticipated that President Obama will issue a number of executive orders in the coming days to reduce the peril caused by the values that make the American Dream possible.  Expected changes include increasing government involvement in business, domestic troops to maintain order, and a fresh constitution to replace the dated 223-year-old original.

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