Archive for the ‘ Media ’ Category

Local Man Hires Alleged Rapist to Wax Car

Hill Valley, CA – Citing his role in helping him ultimately meet his wife, local man George McFly once again hired auto detailer Biff Tannen to wax his family’s vehicles.  “Oh I’ve known Biff for years,” said McFly.  “Sure, he bullied me throughout high school and tried to violate my future wife the night of the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance, but he does a hell of a job waxing a car!”  Biff’s Auto Detailing has been serving Hill Valley for over 10 years, and in that time has built up a loyal customer base.  Most customers tend to prefer Biff’s “Two Coat” service as various reports suggest that two coats of wax really bring out a nice, glossy sheen.

Biff starting the second coat

“Yep, people love getting their cars waxed,” said Tannen.  “I’m only glad to help.  It shows how good I am at my job that Mr. McFly would hire me.  I mean, I made him stay out of the café and forced him to do my homework all through school.  Oh, and one time I tried to rape his current wife.”  When asked if she felt uncomfortable with having Biff around the house so frequently, as the McFly’s get their cars waxed every week, Lorraine McFly nodded.  She said that Biff was never convicted of attempted rape of her or arrested for destroying the town square in a wild chase with Calvin Klein a few days earlier.  “Biff did about eight things the week before the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance that should have gotten him arrested, yet he always got off scot free.  What’s the deal with that?”  As we went to press, sources reported that Biff is trying to save up his money from the auto detailing business to open a small casino, a lifelong dream of his.


Dante’s Peak Named “Best Volcano Action Movie of 1997” by AFI

Los Angeles, CA – The American Film Institute today announced that the 1997 volcano based action movie Dante’s Peak has stood the test of time and is definitely the best movie from that year centered on a geological event. “Dante’s Peak is truly a thrilling piece of filmmaking,” said Sir Howard Stringer, the AFI’s chairman. “The movie has real geology in it without being boring and the romantic chemistry between Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton isn’t too gushy. I just love it.” Pierce Brosnan, who played USGS scientist Dr. Harry Dalton, said that the movie was loosely based on the eruption of Mount St. Helens and written to be as accurate as possible. “This movie put me on the map, everywhere I go people were shouting ‘hey Dalton, where’s the fire?’ and ‘we don’t think there’s going to be a lahar!’” Brosnan said. “I jumped at the opportunity to play Bond just so I wouldn’t be typecast as the stereotypical immigrant Brit volcanologist at the USGS for the rest of my career.”

The Contenders

The movie that came second in the ranking, Volcano, lost marks for it’s scientific inaccuracy, wimpy daughter, and exploitation of racial conflict in a post Rodney King LA. “Don’t get me wrong, Volcano is another excellent volcano related movie from 1997,” Stringer said. “However, the movie has too many ancillary topics. Race relations in Los Angeles? Tommy Lee Jones’ divorce and the effect on that pissy little daughter of his? Don Cheadle wearing a backwards beret in a crisis center and acting super smooth? I just want to see how the volcano destroyed things.” Added Stringer, “And Anne Heche as a scientist? I don’t think so.” Volcano actor Tommy Lee Jones released a statement saying that he “didn’t care about the loss” as long as Men In Black II still had the title of “best Men In Black sequel with a Michael Jackson cameo released in 2002.”

Kids Ask Mother How She Met Their Father

New York, NY – Citing the need to move on with their lives, Sarah and Ben Mosby have decided to ask their mother how she met their father.    “We love Daddy, but he’s been telling this story for five straight years and we still don’t know how they met,” said Sarah.  “We didn’t ask about his ex-girlfriends, Mom’s roommate, doppelgangers, Aunt Robin’s news program, or Uncle Barney’s really disgusting sexual appetite.”  Their father, Ted Mosby, an architect and professor, is known for being a thoroughly detailed storyteller who takes quite a while to get to the point.  “Ted must have lost at least 25-30 women by just talking on and on,” said Barney Stinson, a longtime friend.  “I’m just glad ole Barney was always around to call dibs when Ted failed.”

The kids on the they have been for five years

Mosby’s college roommate and best friend Marshall Eriksen echoes the thoughts of Stinson.  Eriksen has said that Mosby, while good intentioned, does have the ability to be incredibly boring and long-winded.  While Marshall knows how the two met, he and wife Lily are under strict orders from Ted not to say anything to the kids.  “Ted told me that if I tell them then he wouldn’t design the offices for my new law firm.  He’s not a great architect, but he would do it for free,” said Eriksen.  “That’s worth it to me.”  Mosby said the reason he tells the story this way is that he doesn’t want to miss any details.  “If all goes to plan, I’ll be telling this story until at least May 2011,” said Mosby.  “Honestly, it’s definitely possible that I could tell it for a few more years.”  As we went to press, Mosby was running to the kitchen to cover his wife’s mouth before she could tell the kids her two-minute version of how they met.

Forrest Gump Arrested on Rape Charge

Greenbow, AL – Forrest Gump, the famous runner, businessman, war hero, and lawn care specialist, was taken in to custody earlier today by Alabama State Police on a charge of rape in the first degree.  According to the police report, the victim, Jenny Curran said that Gump first beat her, and the next thing she knew, she woke up naked in a muddy ditch by the side of the interstate.  In her statement to police, Curran said that Gump had always been overly protective of her, but he had never acted aggressively or tried to attack her, just the men she was with.  After he was arrested mowing the lawn at the local university, the owner of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Corporation quickly posted bail and left prison.

Gump on his favorite bench

On his way out of the jail Gump did speak to reporters.  “I told her I loved her, but she said I didn’t know what love was.  I just got tired of Jennay always rejecting me.  So I decided right then and there that I’d rape her,” Gump told the gathered throng of reporters.  “I hit her over the head with a shovel, had my way with her, and then left her in a ditch.”  When asked if it was stupid to first rape one of his oldest friends and then confess to both police and reporters, Gump said “stupid is as stupid does.  Mama never did tell me what that meant…”  Gump then announced that he had “to pee” and started running down the middle of the road towards his house, closely pursued by a pickup truck full of people throwing rocks at him.

Local Grandma to Cash in on Betty White Craze

Flint, MI – Citing reduced admiration and affection from her grandkids, area grandmother Eunice Patterson has decided to reinvigorate their love by finding a way to piggyback off the fame of 88-year-old actress and comedienne Betty White.  “They didn’t like the cookies I brought them last week and they didn’t even say thank you.  All they could talk about was Betty White on Saturday Night Live and how great she was,” said Patterson.  “I heard about some sort of  program that broadcasts everyone, on the internets.  The YouTubes I think it was called.  Maybe I’ll audition to get on there.”

Eunice doing her George Burns impression

Eunice isn’t quite sure how YouTube works or what it is exactly, but she says that if it will make her grandkids pay attention to her then she’s willing to try it.  “I bet it’s something similar to that show Bob Seger hosted years ago, Hilarious Candid Moments, or something like that,” Eunice told a couple nearby reporters.  “Is it at all like Tweeter or The Facesite Jason and Brandon mentioned last week?  Do you think they would accept 8mm film?”   Eunice’s grandkids were indifferent to her plan to get into mass media.  “Who would watch an old lady like grandma telling some poorly filmed jokes?” said her grandson Jason.  “She doesn’t own a computer, so this should be fairly interesting.”  As we went to press, Eunice was seen putting a Betamax tape in an envelope and then searching the Yellow Pages for YouTube’s mailing address.

Black Woman to Host Talk Show

Chicago, IL – Television viewers nationwide are reporting that they are beginning to see advertisements for a fall talk show hosted by a black woman.  “She’s following in the steps of Rosa Parks, good for her!” Chicago resident Joanna Bulcher said.  “I just don’t know if I’m ready to accept a black person as a host.  I only watch Maury.  Will this show be all paternity tests?”  The commercials show clips of the woman in front of an enthusiastic audience saying that “people want to be heard” and then appears to be giving them extravagant gifts.  “I’ll tell ya, black women are coming a long way.  Now they can sit anywhere they want on a bus and can host talk shows.  I’ve even heard that the first lady is black!” added Springfield, IL resident Tom Stevens.  “Bob Dylan was right, the times they are a changin’…”

Winfrey with an excited guest

The show, named after host Oprah Winfrey, will premiere September 13th nationwide.  Jerry Springer believes the Oprah Winfrey Show will only last until the spring.   “There’s no way she’ll make it, the people want to hear hard hitting stories from a white man they trust.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to talk to some overweight teenage heroin addicts who have sex in exchange for cheeseburgers.”

Semisonic to Release Two New Singles; Complete Musical Trilogy

Semisonic rehearsing their new singles

Minneapolis, MN – Rock band and 1990s one-hit-wonder Semisonic has finally been able to complete the musical trilogy they originally started with “Closing Time” by announcing the release of two new singles. The new songs, “Opening Time” and “Lunch Time,” are prequels to their previous hit and are intended to complete the day in the bar that Dan Wilson, lead singer and principal songwriter of Semisonic, set out to bring to life for the listeners. “At the release of our 1998 album, “Closing Time” was the most complete track of the trilogy. I didn’t want to release it before the other two, but I’m glad we did; it was a big hit for us!” Wilson said. “If it didn’t hurt George Lucas to release prequels, then how can it hurt us?” The new songs, which share the same melody as “Closing Time,” explain the importance of arriving on time, making sure the workplace is neat and tidy, enjoying a hearty meal, and returning to work within one hour of leaving for lunch.

The Shallot Exclusive: Wilson shared the opening verse of each song with us before they’re released to the public!
“Opening Time”
Opening time – Unlock the doors and head on in to work
Opening time – Turn all of the lights on so you can be productive
Opening time – Begin to inventory the alcohol so you can serve whiskey or beer
Opening time – You just got to work so your only choice is to stay here

“Lunch Time”
Lunch time – Head on out the door and go get a sandwich
Lunch time – You don’t like Subway so go get a Quizno’s sub
Lunch time – Its lunch, so it’s frowned upon to have whiskey or beer
Lunch time – You get to leave for one hour and then its straight back here

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