Archive for the ‘ Hollywood ’ Category

Local Man Hires Alleged Rapist to Wax Car

Hill Valley, CA – Citing his role in helping him ultimately meet his wife, local man George McFly once again hired auto detailer Biff Tannen to wax his family’s vehicles.  “Oh I’ve known Biff for years,” said McFly.  “Sure, he bullied me throughout high school and tried to violate my future wife the night of the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance, but he does a hell of a job waxing a car!”  Biff’s Auto Detailing has been serving Hill Valley for over 10 years, and in that time has built up a loyal customer base.  Most customers tend to prefer Biff’s “Two Coat” service as various reports suggest that two coats of wax really bring out a nice, glossy sheen.

Biff starting the second coat

“Yep, people love getting their cars waxed,” said Tannen.  “I’m only glad to help.  It shows how good I am at my job that Mr. McFly would hire me.  I mean, I made him stay out of the café and forced him to do my homework all through school.  Oh, and one time I tried to rape his current wife.”  When asked if she felt uncomfortable with having Biff around the house so frequently, as the McFly’s get their cars waxed every week, Lorraine McFly nodded.  She said that Biff was never convicted of attempted rape of her or arrested for destroying the town square in a wild chase with Calvin Klein a few days earlier.  “Biff did about eight things the week before the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance that should have gotten him arrested, yet he always got off scot free.  What’s the deal with that?”  As we went to press, sources reported that Biff is trying to save up his money from the auto detailing business to open a small casino, a lifelong dream of his.

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Dante’s Peak Named “Best Volcano Action Movie of 1997” by AFI

Los Angeles, CA – The American Film Institute today announced that the 1997 volcano based action movie Dante’s Peak has stood the test of time and is definitely the best movie from that year centered on a geological event. “Dante’s Peak is truly a thrilling piece of filmmaking,” said Sir Howard Stringer, the AFI’s chairman. “The movie has real geology in it without being boring and the romantic chemistry between Pierce Brosnan and Linda Hamilton isn’t too gushy. I just love it.” Pierce Brosnan, who played USGS scientist Dr. Harry Dalton, said that the movie was loosely based on the eruption of Mount St. Helens and written to be as accurate as possible. “This movie put me on the map, everywhere I go people were shouting ‘hey Dalton, where’s the fire?’ and ‘we don’t think there’s going to be a lahar!’” Brosnan said. “I jumped at the opportunity to play Bond just so I wouldn’t be typecast as the stereotypical immigrant Brit volcanologist at the USGS for the rest of my career.”

The Contenders

The movie that came second in the ranking, Volcano, lost marks for it’s scientific inaccuracy, wimpy daughter, and exploitation of racial conflict in a post Rodney King LA. “Don’t get me wrong, Volcano is another excellent volcano related movie from 1997,” Stringer said. “However, the movie has too many ancillary topics. Race relations in Los Angeles? Tommy Lee Jones’ divorce and the effect on that pissy little daughter of his? Don Cheadle wearing a backwards beret in a crisis center and acting super smooth? I just want to see how the volcano destroyed things.” Added Stringer, “And Anne Heche as a scientist? I don’t think so.” Volcano actor Tommy Lee Jones released a statement saying that he “didn’t care about the loss” as long as Men In Black II still had the title of “best Men In Black sequel with a Michael Jackson cameo released in 2002.”

Black Woman to Host Talk Show

Chicago, IL – Television viewers nationwide are reporting that they are beginning to see advertisements for a fall talk show hosted by a black woman.  “She’s following in the steps of Rosa Parks, good for her!” Chicago resident Joanna Bulcher said.  “I just don’t know if I’m ready to accept a black person as a host.  I only watch Maury.  Will this show be all paternity tests?”  The commercials show clips of the woman in front of an enthusiastic audience saying that “people want to be heard” and then appears to be giving them extravagant gifts.  “I’ll tell ya, black women are coming a long way.  Now they can sit anywhere they want on a bus and can host talk shows.  I’ve even heard that the first lady is black!” added Springfield, IL resident Tom Stevens.  “Bob Dylan was right, the times they are a changin’…”

Winfrey with an excited guest

The show, named after host Oprah Winfrey, will premiere September 13th nationwide.  Jerry Springer believes the Oprah Winfrey Show will only last until the spring.   “There’s no way she’ll make it, the people want to hear hard hitting stories from a white man they trust.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to talk to some overweight teenage heroin addicts who have sex in exchange for cheeseburgers.”

Stoner Makes Perpetual Motion Device

Seattle, WA – Seattle area organic farmer and marijuana enthusiast John Tanner has singlehandedly-disproved stereotypes of stoners by making a working perpetual motion device. “Y’know, I wasn’t even trying to make one. Who would’ve thought that a gravity bong didn’t have to adhere to the laws of thermodynamics?” John remarked. “Ohhh, does anyone have some Cheetos? Perpetual motion gives me the munchies, man. Hey, my dreadlocks are really soft. I’ve never really felt them, man.”

The Device

Scientists have long considered a perpetual motion device impossible due to the established laws of physics. “The idea that you can create work without putting anything in, well, that’s the ultimate wet dream of the physicist,” said Dr. Marshall Baker of the University of Washington. “However, I guess it’s fitting that a pot head invented something that requires no input of energy.” Following hot on the heels of this discovery, Chet Heckler of Mobile, Alabama announced he had discovered the secret to cold fusion in his meth lab.

Zach Galifianakis to Play Eccentric, Bearded Friend

Hollywood, CA – Claiming the need for a versatile actor who has done it all and been everywhere, Steven Spielberg today announced that Zach Galifianakis

Galifianakis in an earlier role

will be playing Tom Hanks’ eccentric, bearded friend in his next film, The Terminal 2: Roadtrip.  “As usual, I didn’t want someone who has been typecast into a certain role.  Marty (Scorsese) suggested Zach after seeing the veritable cornucopia of characters he played in Out Cold, The Hangover, G-Force, Youth in Revolt, Dinner for Schmucks, and on HBO in Bored to Death,” Spielberg said.  “He can just adapt to anything.”  Galifianakis will be playing Armin Karmopoulous, a Greek traveler who befriends Hanks at customs during his second trip to America.  Plot details are scarce at the moment, but our set insider reports that the two “rent a Ford Festiva, travel to unusual locations across America, and pick up a few strange new friends along the way.”

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