Archive for the ‘ health ’ Category

Trans-Ethnic Man Believes He is Really Asian

Boston, MA – Citing his capabilities in math as well as his love of General Tso’s Chicken, college student Brandon Franklin today took the first steps to formally change his ethnicity from Caucasian to Asian.  Franklin had long felt that he did not fit in with the white community, but only recently realized that he was actually an Asian man trapped in a white man’s body.  “It started in middle school.  I was great in science and math, I played the piano and violin, but I was awful at sports and in any social situation,” Franklin said.  “Then in high school I barely passed my driving test, loved watching Naruto, and discovered I was really good at tennis.”

Brandon (R) with his best friends

Unlike gender reassignment, there are no hormone pills that can be taken to ease the transition.  Ethnic reassignment relies totally on physical plastic surgery and behavioral adjustment.  “In Brandon’s case, we will most likely tighten the skin around the eyes and make his skin pigment a bit more olive toned,” said Dr. Steven Tomlinson, a Boston area plastic surgeon.  “While we will not have to create a penis or a vagina, I definitely think that his genitalia will have to be reduced to truly make him feel Asian.”  Franklin, who just declared his major in mechanical engineering at MIT, does not currently have the financial means to pay for the surgery.  That does not mean that he won’t be able to change his behaviors to be more in line with his desired appearance.  “I figure a good start will be to squint all the time and to take my shoes off whenever I enter a home,” Franklin said.  “Oh, and I’ll pronounce all my Ls as Rs.”  Franklin then told reporters he had to leave so he could play six straight hours of World of Warcraft in his underwear.


Deaf-Mute Baffled by Verbal Communication

Sheboygan, WI – Local man Thomas Becker has confirmed that he is confounded by spoken language and how it affects the deaf-mute community.  Becker, who was born with paralyzed vocal chords and no eardrums, has written prolifically about how he thinks speaking is overrated.  “It may just be my condition, but what’s really the point of talking?” Becker wrote.  “Writing is concise and meaningful; there’s no added fluff.  When I watch TV, the captions tell me that the people are talking about nothing of any importance whatsoever.”  Added Becker, “I just don’t get it.”


Thomas not listening


Becker’s friends said that he has been unwilling to even try and change his viewpoint.  “We’ve tried to get him to understand what’s so great about casually chatting with each other, but he always just gives a blank stare and then writes an angry note about ‘not hearing us,’” said longtime acquaintance James Bogues.  “I guess half the fun of hanging out with Thomas is making fun of him to his face and he can’t hear or respond to it.  Actually, that’s really all the fun actually, since he has never added anything useful to any conversation, ever.”  Thomas has also unrepentantly criticized Helen Keller for setting their kind back hundred of years.  “Helen made everyone have unrealistic expectations of those of us that can’t talk,” Becker wrote.  “She was such a bitch…I bet she wasn’t really disabled.  How can a blind-deaf-mute be a motivational speaker?”  Becker has gotten through the last 30 years of his life without talking, and reportedly doesn’t plan to undergo experimental surgery to fix his vocal chords.  When asked why, Becker responded by punching his notepad, breathing heavily, and making a slight grunting noise as his pen had run out ink.

Study: Getting Stabbed Bad for Health

Chicago, IL – According to a study released today by the American Medical Association, being stabbed is not a healthy lifestyle choice.  The study, conducted over a year on people of various ages, was done to see the effect stabbing has on the body as well as lifespan.  “In this study, the control group vastly out performed the experimental group,” said Dr. Peter Carmel, President of the AMA.  “Of course, the people in the control group weren’t the ones that got stabbed.”  The study found that people who weren’t stabbed were almost 100% less likely to die from massive hemorrhaging of blood due to a gigantic open wound.

The control group after the study

“We knew that stabbing was bad from the get go, but we were surprised that it had pretty much the same effect on people of any age, gender, or race,” Carmel told reporters.  “A 75 year old white man died in about the same amount of time as a 16 year old Chinese girl when both were stabbed in the heart and not treated.”  Carmel went on to say that somebody stabbed in the arm or leg did seem to live a little longer than someone stabbed in the heart, neck, or head, but if they were left untreated any stab wound would prove fatal.  The study concludes that people should stay out of any situation that could result in being stabbed, and that anyone who does gets stabbed should seek immediate medical attention to fix the gaping, blood gushing hole in their body.

Hungover Girl Declares Lights Too Bright

Jennifer has to get off the train

Secaucus, NJ- After a night of heavy drinking and loud music, local woman Jennifer Colletti has announced that the lights on the NJ Transit Midtown Direct train are too bright. “Wow, does anyone else find these a bit extreme? Shouldn’t they be on a dimmer?” Jennifer asked. “I’d close my eyes but my eyelids hurt.” The previous night’s activities, which included shots, beers, dancing, karaoke, and a number of unintended trips to the floor, were not balanced with an equal or greater amount of water. The dehydrated condition that resulted, commonly referred to as a hangover, is known to have side effects ranging from a slight headache to total incapacitation. Much like the common cold, there is no definitive cure for a hangover. However, Jennifer tried some of the most common home remedies (Advil, chugging water, and a greasy breakfast) and reported they have done nothing to ease her discomfort and have actually made her feel worse. As we went to press, Jennifer was contemplating vomiting in a nearby Solo cup.

Stoner Makes Perpetual Motion Device

Seattle, WA – Seattle area organic farmer and marijuana enthusiast John Tanner has singlehandedly-disproved stereotypes of stoners by making a working perpetual motion device. “Y’know, I wasn’t even trying to make one. Who would’ve thought that a gravity bong didn’t have to adhere to the laws of thermodynamics?” John remarked. “Ohhh, does anyone have some Cheetos? Perpetual motion gives me the munchies, man. Hey, my dreadlocks are really soft. I’ve never really felt them, man.”

The Device

Scientists have long considered a perpetual motion device impossible due to the established laws of physics. “The idea that you can create work without putting anything in, well, that’s the ultimate wet dream of the physicist,” said Dr. Marshall Baker of the University of Washington. “However, I guess it’s fitting that a pot head invented something that requires no input of energy.” Following hot on the heels of this discovery, Chet Heckler of Mobile, Alabama announced he had discovered the secret to cold fusion in his meth lab.

Situation Suffers Infarction

Seaside Heights, NJ – Michael “The Situation” Sorrentino today collapsed on the Seaside Heights Boardwalk due to a Myocardial Infarction, more commonly known as a heart attack.  Eyewitnesses say that The Situation was “creeping hardcore on some girls” and suddenly clutched his left arm.  Samantha “Sweetheart” Giancola saw the whole thing.  “He just grabbed his left arm, fell down, and yelled ‘Yo, I think I got a major situation in my chest and left arm!’  That’s when we called the ambulance.”

Mike Sorrentino pointing at his Situation

Paul “DJ Pauly D” Del Vecchio said that even in the face of death, The Situation was unflappable.  “Sitch was on the ground, writhing in pain, and he was still checking out the ladies.  He was shouting ‘Yo girl, wanna give me some mouth to mouth?  I’ll let you pump on my chest.’  He just wanted to get to the business, like a champ.”  At press time, The Situation was in critical condition at Community Memorial Hospital in Toms River, NJ.  However, EMT’s that were at the scene report his condition would have been much better had he not sent away the first EMS crew for being “grenades.”

Man Looks Up Gonorrhea on Wikipedia By Accident

Charlotte, NC – Claiming that he got to the gonorrhea page of Wikipedia by mistake, local man Steven Jones spent the next twenty minutes reading it.  “Why would I look this up on purpose?  I was reading about Ford, then I clicked a few links and I got here,” Steven said sheepishly.

Steven calmly reading Wikipedia

Gonorrhea, a contagious inflammation of the urethra or vagina, is one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases, and one that Steven definitely doesn’t have any reason to research thoroughly.  However, while Steven read through the “Signs and Symptoms” section, he got very quiet and began to nod.  “Yep, yellow discharge, hurts when I piss.  Shit.  Guess I’ll need to get a prescription for Amoxicillin.”  Steven added “I guess that Jenny isn’t as faithful as she fucking claims.”  As of press time, he had decided to give his “filthy whore of a girlfriend” a piece of his mind.

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