Study: Getting Stabbed Bad for Health

Chicago, IL – According to a study released today by the American Medical Association, being stabbed is not a healthy lifestyle choice.  The study, conducted over a year on people of various ages, was done to see the effect stabbing has on the body as well as lifespan.  “In this study, the control group vastly out performed the experimental group,” said Dr. Peter Carmel, President of the AMA.  “Of course, the people in the control group weren’t the ones that got stabbed.”  The study found that people who weren’t stabbed were almost 100% less likely to die from massive hemorrhaging of blood due to a gigantic open wound.

The control group after the study

“We knew that stabbing was bad from the get go, but we were surprised that it had pretty much the same effect on people of any age, gender, or race,” Carmel told reporters.  “A 75 year old white man died in about the same amount of time as a 16 year old Chinese girl when both were stabbed in the heart and not treated.”  Carmel went on to say that somebody stabbed in the arm or leg did seem to live a little longer than someone stabbed in the heart, neck, or head, but if they were left untreated any stab wound would prove fatal.  The study concludes that people should stay out of any situation that could result in being stabbed, and that anyone who does gets stabbed should seek immediate medical attention to fix the gaping, blood gushing hole in their body.

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