Man Fails to Kill Self

New York, NY – Thomas Magill tried to take his own life earlier this week and failed, adding it to a list of failures that have plagued him his entire life.  “I’ve been a failure my whole life, I don’t know why I expected this to go any differently,” a sedated Magill told reporters today.  “I just wanted to die and all I did was fuck up my legs.  Not even close.”  Magill jumped from the 40th floor of a residential building on the West Side of Manhattan, and landed on top of a Dodge Charger.

Magill immediately after the fail

He says his first mistake was jumping feet first.  “I should’ve done what everyone else does and dove.  Guess that’s where I went wrong again.”  Doctors have told Magill he will probably never walk again due to the traumatic injuries he suffered to his legs.  “I bet I walk again.  I fail at everything, so I’ll probably fail at being a cripple,” Magill said.  “My first steps will be off a building, and this time I’m gonna go head first.  If I live through that, then I may be the Second Coming of Christ.”  Magill is an atheist.

For those of you under a rock, this really happened:

    • poddys
    • September 2nd, 2010

    I have always thought that if I was going to commit suicide, I would try and do it properly.

    Not that I want to of course, but if…

    I also would try not to inconvenience thousands of people by jumping off a building and forcing a busy street to be closed, or jumping in front of a train at rush hour.

    Last thing I imagine any suicidal person would want is to end up even more miserable and unable to walk etc.

    Well, unless they just want to feel the sympathy of others.

    • I definitely feel worse for the guy who had his car ruined. Doing it publicly like that is terrible for everyone, not just him.

  1. September 2nd, 2010

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