Archive for September, 2010

Harry Reid on Economy: “You’re a racist!”

(This is an article I was asked to write for a website.  I was given the headline and asked to write around 400-500 words.  The final, edited product, appears here:

Reid at the press conference

Washington, DC – At a press conference earlier today, Senator Harry Reid (D, NV) answered questions ranging from foreign affairs to gay marriage to abortion, and even the economy.  The proceedings took a heated turn when Fox News correspondent Major Garrett asked Reid if he regretted pressuring banks to make subprime loans to unqualified individuals, which was a major contributor to the current financial crisis.

“You’re a racist!” Reid yelled at Garrett after he asked his question.  “Do you know how I know that?  You said we made them give loans to people that were unqualified.  A vast majority of those people you referred to as ‘unqualified’ were minorities.  Basically, you just asked me if I regret helping minorities get loans.  While you might deny loans based on race, I don’t feel that’s an appropriate litmus test and I don’t regret helping those in need.”

Added Reid, “Unbelievable, typical conservative blather.”

Capitol Hill was abuzz over the exchange, and one senator threw in his two cents on the matter.  Senator Orrin Hatch (R, UT), a longtime colleague of Reid’s, said that this was Reid’s typical tactic of deflection from the issues at hand.  “I’ve know Harry for years, he’s a great guy,” said Hatch.  “However, from time to time he has this tendency to lash out when he can’t defend himself.  When I asked him if he dented my car last week he said I was ‘just a shill for big business.’”  Hatch also said that he didn’t believe Reid was trying to be malicious towards Garrett in any way, but knew that he wasn’t able to defend his previous actions.

The other key player in the exchange, Major Garrett, wasn’t so sure that Reid was being totally fair.  “Whenever (NBC News Political Director) David Gregory had a question, Reid bent over backwards to answer it,” Garrett told us. “However, when I asked a question, he frequently acted like he did not see me or pretended that I had asked him how his family was.”

This outburst comes just nine months after Reid made an insensitive, race driven statement about President Obama.  In those remarks, he insinuated that the president was popular because of his light skin tone for an African-American.  Reid’s poor wording in that instance resulted in others accusing him of being a racist, something that he vehemently denied.  Senators and colleagues alike refused to comment on the record, but some have stated confidentially that they believe Reid was overcompensating for that prior faux pas.

In order to stem the flow of negative PR, Reid’s office has issued a press release defending his actions and behavior at the press conference.  The release said “Fox News has a long history of conservative bias and a contentious relationship with Senator Reid.  Senator Reid’s record on civil rights is unblemished, and a comment that he felt questioned his commitment to equality needed to be addressed immediately and aggressively.”  While Reid could not be reached for comment, his Communications Director Jon Summers said, “Senator Reid was right to criticize Garrett.  And if you’re questioning why he did, then I’m willing to bet that you’re in favor of partial birth abortion.”


Study: Getting Stabbed Bad for Health

Chicago, IL – According to a study released today by the American Medical Association, being stabbed is not a healthy lifestyle choice.  The study, conducted over a year on people of various ages, was done to see the effect stabbing has on the body as well as lifespan.  “In this study, the control group vastly out performed the experimental group,” said Dr. Peter Carmel, President of the AMA.  “Of course, the people in the control group weren’t the ones that got stabbed.”  The study found that people who weren’t stabbed were almost 100% less likely to die from massive hemorrhaging of blood due to a gigantic open wound.

The control group after the study

“We knew that stabbing was bad from the get go, but we were surprised that it had pretty much the same effect on people of any age, gender, or race,” Carmel told reporters.  “A 75 year old white man died in about the same amount of time as a 16 year old Chinese girl when both were stabbed in the heart and not treated.”  Carmel went on to say that somebody stabbed in the arm or leg did seem to live a little longer than someone stabbed in the heart, neck, or head, but if they were left untreated any stab wound would prove fatal.  The study concludes that people should stay out of any situation that could result in being stabbed, and that anyone who does gets stabbed should seek immediate medical attention to fix the gaping, blood gushing hole in their body.

Insensitive Joke Made OK by Saying “Too Soon?”

Tuscaloosa, AL – A joke about recently deceased friend Jeffrey Donaldson was made humorous today with an immediate follow up of “too soon?” by joke teller Dean Richmond.  Reports suggest that Richmond, who is a terrible person, has used this tactic numerous times when he makes an off color remark.  “If you follow up something truly horrible with ‘too soon?,’ people tend to think you didn’t actually mean what you said,” Richmond told reporters.  “What’s beautiful is that everyone shares a hearty laugh and you get to say something unbelievably awful with no repercussions.  Everyone wins.”  Donaldson’s death was the latest in a long line of unfortunate events that Richmond has used to his advantage.  “2009, that was a great year for me,” Richmond continued.  “I can’t say that was something I shared with Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Ted Kennedy, or Billy Mays.  See, they all died.”

Doesn't he just look like a douche?

Over the years, Richmond’s friends have described him as “awful,” “a douche,” and even “an absolute turd of a man” but have always added that he is “undeniably hilarious.”  Donaldson, a longtime acquaintance that was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, died from injuries he received in a car crash while his son Thomas was driving.  “I’m willing to bet that Jeff always thought the cancer would kill him before his son got a chance…Too soon?” said Richmond.  “See?  Works every time!”

Kids Ask Mother How She Met Their Father

New York, NY – Citing the need to move on with their lives, Sarah and Ben Mosby have decided to ask their mother how she met their father.    “We love Daddy, but he’s been telling this story for five straight years and we still don’t know how they met,” said Sarah.  “We didn’t ask about his ex-girlfriends, Mom’s roommate, doppelgangers, Aunt Robin’s news program, or Uncle Barney’s really disgusting sexual appetite.”  Their father, Ted Mosby, an architect and professor, is known for being a thoroughly detailed storyteller who takes quite a while to get to the point.  “Ted must have lost at least 25-30 women by just talking on and on,” said Barney Stinson, a longtime friend.  “I’m just glad ole Barney was always around to call dibs when Ted failed.”

The kids on the they have been for five years

Mosby’s college roommate and best friend Marshall Eriksen echoes the thoughts of Stinson.  Eriksen has said that Mosby, while good intentioned, does have the ability to be incredibly boring and long-winded.  While Marshall knows how the two met, he and wife Lily are under strict orders from Ted not to say anything to the kids.  “Ted told me that if I tell them then he wouldn’t design the offices for my new law firm.  He’s not a great architect, but he would do it for free,” said Eriksen.  “That’s worth it to me.”  Mosby said the reason he tells the story this way is that he doesn’t want to miss any details.  “If all goes to plan, I’ll be telling this story until at least May 2011,” said Mosby.  “Honestly, it’s definitely possible that I could tell it for a few more years.”  As we went to press, Mosby was running to the kitchen to cover his wife’s mouth before she could tell the kids her two-minute version of how they met.

Weekend Off

So I’m away this weekend. There won’t be anything new. I didn’t write anything before I left, it’s been a busy week. Take a look at some of the older ones you may not have read before! They age like Franzia. There are now almost 30 articles (well, 30 total posts, 28 articles…), so I’m sure you haven’t seen them all!

Forrest Gump Arrested on Rape Charge

Greenbow, AL – Forrest Gump, the famous runner, businessman, war hero, and lawn care specialist, was taken in to custody earlier today by Alabama State Police on a charge of rape in the first degree.  According to the police report, the victim, Jenny Curran said that Gump first beat her, and the next thing she knew, she woke up naked in a muddy ditch by the side of the interstate.  In her statement to police, Curran said that Gump had always been overly protective of her, but he had never acted aggressively or tried to attack her, just the men she was with.  After he was arrested mowing the lawn at the local university, the owner of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Corporation quickly posted bail and left prison.

Gump on his favorite bench

On his way out of the jail Gump did speak to reporters.  “I told her I loved her, but she said I didn’t know what love was.  I just got tired of Jennay always rejecting me.  So I decided right then and there that I’d rape her,” Gump told the gathered throng of reporters.  “I hit her over the head with a shovel, had my way with her, and then left her in a ditch.”  When asked if it was stupid to first rape one of his oldest friends and then confess to both police and reporters, Gump said “stupid is as stupid does.  Mama never did tell me what that meant…”  Gump then announced that he had “to pee” and started running down the middle of the road towards his house, closely pursued by a pickup truck full of people throwing rocks at him.

Local Grandma to Cash in on Betty White Craze

Flint, MI – Citing reduced admiration and affection from her grandkids, area grandmother Eunice Patterson has decided to reinvigorate their love by finding a way to piggyback off the fame of 88-year-old actress and comedienne Betty White.  “They didn’t like the cookies I brought them last week and they didn’t even say thank you.  All they could talk about was Betty White on Saturday Night Live and how great she was,” said Patterson.  “I heard about some sort of  program that broadcasts everyone, on the internets.  The YouTubes I think it was called.  Maybe I’ll audition to get on there.”

Eunice doing her George Burns impression

Eunice isn’t quite sure how YouTube works or what it is exactly, but she says that if it will make her grandkids pay attention to her then she’s willing to try it.  “I bet it’s something similar to that show Bob Seger hosted years ago, Hilarious Candid Moments, or something like that,” Eunice told a couple nearby reporters.  “Is it at all like Tweeter or The Facesite Jason and Brandon mentioned last week?  Do you think they would accept 8mm film?”   Eunice’s grandkids were indifferent to her plan to get into mass media.  “Who would watch an old lady like grandma telling some poorly filmed jokes?” said her grandson Jason.  “She doesn’t own a computer, so this should be fairly interesting.”  As we went to press, Eunice was seen putting a Betamax tape in an envelope and then searching the Yellow Pages for YouTube’s mailing address.

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