Archive for August, 2010

1997 Chrysler Sebring Still Running

Auburn Hills, MI –Chrysler Chairman C. Robert Kidder announced at a press conference earlier today that one 1997 Chrysler Sebring in the US was still being driven regularly.  “It’s a testament to the quality of the Chrysler product when a vintage car like that is still used as a daily driver,” Kidder said.  “Just think: this car is on its third president, has seen the wars in both Iraq and Afghanistan, and has crossed parts of two millennia!  Who said America builds cars that don’t last?”

Vintage Chrysler (File Photo)

The car in question, a champagne 1997 Sebring LXi with 165,432 miles, is currently owned by Tom DeFerran of Spartanburg, South Carolina.  When reached for comment, DeFerran said the car was his by default.  “My parents gave it to me for free.  No way in hell I’d have paid money for it,” he told reporters.  “I’m pretty cheap and this car gets me to my job at Wal Mart most of the time.  That’s good enough.”  Not to be outdone, General Motors issued a press release saying they had found a pair of 1993 Pontiac Trans Sports in a Detroit junkyard that “would probably start up after a little tinkering.”

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Black Woman to Host Talk Show

Chicago, IL – Television viewers nationwide are reporting that they are beginning to see advertisements for a fall talk show hosted by a black woman.  “She’s following in the steps of Rosa Parks, good for her!” Chicago resident Joanna Bulcher said.  “I just don’t know if I’m ready to accept a black person as a host.  I only watch Maury.  Will this show be all paternity tests?”  The commercials show clips of the woman in front of an enthusiastic audience saying that “people want to be heard” and then appears to be giving them extravagant gifts.  “I’ll tell ya, black women are coming a long way.  Now they can sit anywhere they want on a bus and can host talk shows.  I’ve even heard that the first lady is black!” added Springfield, IL resident Tom Stevens.  “Bob Dylan was right, the times they are a changin’…”

Winfrey with an excited guest

The show, named after host Oprah Winfrey, will premiere September 13th nationwide.  Jerry Springer believes the Oprah Winfrey Show will only last until the spring.   “There’s no way she’ll make it, the people want to hear hard hitting stories from a white man they trust.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to talk to some overweight teenage heroin addicts who have sex in exchange for cheeseburgers.”

The Shallot Salutes…Hernando de Soto

"Hey, look, a river!" - Hernando de Soto

When people mention the great explorers, quite a few names come to mind: Christopher Columbus, Ferdinand Magellan, Francisco Pizarro, Hernán Cortes, Meriwether Lewis, William Clark, Amerigo Vespucci, Indiana Jones, Han Solo, and the guy in The Mummy movies, among others.  One name that is frequently forgotten is Hernando de Soto.  de Soto was a 16th century Spanish conquistador and explorer who came to the  already discovered New World for riches and fame.  But while most of the New World had already been found, de Soto decided to head west.  What he discovered was the 4th largest river in the world. That’s right: de Soto is the man credited with discovering the Mississippi River.  While many had definitely crossed the Mississippi before, de Soto is the first to actually document the experience, putting him head and shoulders above the rest.  Based on size alone, this puts him in a slightly lower class than Vasco Núñez de Balboa, the man who “discovered” the Pacific Ocean.

Not only was de Soto a fairly mediocre explorer, he was also a conman.  To get the Native Americans to follow him, he was able to convince them that he was an infallible “Sun God.”  Sadly, de Soto never left the banks of the Mississippi; he died there after an agonizing illness…so much for being immortal.  His legacy remained dormant for nearly 450 years, but he had a brief moment of fame in the 20th century when the also mediocre George Costanza declared de Soto his “favorite explorer.”  So, for writing down that he saw a river that countless people before him definitely knew about and thus guaranteeing himself a mention in all middle school history texts, for lying outrageously to natives, for appearing on Seinfeld, and for being generally unimpressive, The Shallot salutes Hernando de Soto.

Hungover Girl Declares Lights Too Bright

Jennifer has to get off the train

Secaucus, NJ- After a night of heavy drinking and loud music, local woman Jennifer Colletti has announced that the lights on the NJ Transit Midtown Direct train are too bright. “Wow, does anyone else find these a bit extreme? Shouldn’t they be on a dimmer?” Jennifer asked. “I’d close my eyes but my eyelids hurt.” The previous night’s activities, which included shots, beers, dancing, karaoke, and a number of unintended trips to the floor, were not balanced with an equal or greater amount of water. The dehydrated condition that resulted, commonly referred to as a hangover, is known to have side effects ranging from a slight headache to total incapacitation. Much like the common cold, there is no definitive cure for a hangover. However, Jennifer tried some of the most common home remedies (Advil, chugging water, and a greasy breakfast) and reported they have done nothing to ease her discomfort and have actually made her feel worse. As we went to press, Jennifer was contemplating vomiting in a nearby Solo cup.

Semisonic to Release Two New Singles; Complete Musical Trilogy

Semisonic rehearsing their new singles

Minneapolis, MN – Rock band and 1990s one-hit-wonder Semisonic has finally been able to complete the musical trilogy they originally started with “Closing Time” by announcing the release of two new singles. The new songs, “Opening Time” and “Lunch Time,” are prequels to their previous hit and are intended to complete the day in the bar that Dan Wilson, lead singer and principal songwriter of Semisonic, set out to bring to life for the listeners. “At the release of our 1998 album, “Closing Time” was the most complete track of the trilogy. I didn’t want to release it before the other two, but I’m glad we did; it was a big hit for us!” Wilson said. “If it didn’t hurt George Lucas to release prequels, then how can it hurt us?” The new songs, which share the same melody as “Closing Time,” explain the importance of arriving on time, making sure the workplace is neat and tidy, enjoying a hearty meal, and returning to work within one hour of leaving for lunch.

The Shallot Exclusive: Wilson shared the opening verse of each song with us before they’re released to the public!
“Opening Time”
Opening time – Unlock the doors and head on in to work
Opening time – Turn all of the lights on so you can be productive
Opening time – Begin to inventory the alcohol so you can serve whiskey or beer
Opening time – You just got to work so your only choice is to stay here

“Lunch Time”
Lunch time – Head on out the door and go get a sandwich
Lunch time – You don’t like Subway so go get a Quizno’s sub
Lunch time – Its lunch, so it’s frowned upon to have whiskey or beer
Lunch time – You get to leave for one hour and then its straight back here

Official: Iran Fucking Nuts

The ambassador heading to a diplomat

Washington, DC – Following Iran’s introduction of it’s “Ambassador of Death” on Saturday, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates officially confirmed what many had been thinking for a while.  “We know that this may seem obvious, but we need to make sure we have all our sources straight, especially after the WMD debacle in Iraq,” Gates told a packed briefing.  “Iran is fucking insane.  Ambassador of Death?  That doesn’t really sound like something our sane friends in Lichtenstein would make, now does it?”  The Karrar drone – its official name – is an unmanned, long-range bomber craft designed to destroy Iran’s enemies throughout the world, as well as a visual confirmation that Iran is mentally unstable.  The confirmation that Iran was batshit crazy was not met with shock through the western world.  “Denying the Holocaust? Yea, that’s when I first started questioning their sanity,” said Washington area teacher Jane Sandoval. “But this thing, Christ almighty!  It’s not even stealthy…it’s fire engine red and powered by a giant rocket.  Come on!”

Blanka

When asked for her thoughts on Iran’s recent activation of their first nuclear power plant, Jane said she thinks they might be using it to create “an army of radioactive Blanka-esque warlords” to dominate the Middle East.

Stoner Makes Perpetual Motion Device

Seattle, WA – Seattle area organic farmer and marijuana enthusiast John Tanner has singlehandedly-disproved stereotypes of stoners by making a working perpetual motion device. “Y’know, I wasn’t even trying to make one. Who would’ve thought that a gravity bong didn’t have to adhere to the laws of thermodynamics?” John remarked. “Ohhh, does anyone have some Cheetos? Perpetual motion gives me the munchies, man. Hey, my dreadlocks are really soft. I’ve never really felt them, man.”

The Device

Scientists have long considered a perpetual motion device impossible due to the established laws of physics. “The idea that you can create work without putting anything in, well, that’s the ultimate wet dream of the physicist,” said Dr. Marshall Baker of the University of Washington. “However, I guess it’s fitting that a pot head invented something that requires no input of energy.” Following hot on the heels of this discovery, Chet Heckler of Mobile, Alabama announced he had discovered the secret to cold fusion in his meth lab.

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