Germany Begins Systematic Extermination of Octopus
Berlin – Germany’s defeat in the World Cup has led to a new domestic policy for the nation. “We did not want to make a knee jerk reaction to our defeat on the national stage, but now is the time for action. After much research, we have realized that there have to be many others like Paul, the octopus that surely caused our defeat. ” German Chancellor Angela Merkel told Parliament Friday. “A new enemy has unveiled itself, and we must now take action to eliminate the eight legged beast that threatens us from within.”
Defense Minister Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg later explained that they would be taking a measured approach to rid the country of the threat. “This plan gives us the authority to relocate all octopuses within Germany to Terrarienverein e.V. Argus Aquarium in Frankfurt. With all segregated from normal society, we will be able to monitor and control them. Plus, we will have a great source of sustenance for our people and to export.”
“If any fish are sharing a tank with an octopus right now, they are strongly encouraged to alert the government,” Guttenberg explained. “Also any fish found sheltering an octopus will be brought to the central aquarium. This is a matter of national security.”
While the master plan remains slightly hazy, Germany has clearly been working on the infrastructure for this undertaking for quite a while. Relocation centers have been established in Kiel, Cologne, Stuttgart, Munich, and Berlin. Reports suggest that these crude “fortress-like” camps will be used to tag and hold the octopuses until they can be brought to Frankfurt.
Merkel also announced that once all domestic octopuses are rounded up, Germany would turn to the global stage. “We will need to eradicate the octopus from Europe to be truly safe. Our neighbors can either agree with our plan or face the consequences. The best course is to eliminate this undesirable of the ocean world so we can all live in an ideal society. This is the Final Solution.”