Archive for July, 2010

Zach Galifianakis to Play Eccentric, Bearded Friend

Hollywood, CA – Claiming the need for a versatile actor who has done it all and been everywhere, Steven Spielberg today announced that Zach Galifianakis

Galifianakis in an earlier role

will be playing Tom Hanks’ eccentric, bearded friend in his next film, The Terminal 2: Roadtrip.  “As usual, I didn’t want someone who has been typecast into a certain role.  Marty (Scorsese) suggested Zach after seeing the veritable cornucopia of characters he played in Out Cold, The Hangover, G-Force, Youth in Revolt, Dinner for Schmucks, and on HBO in Bored to Death,” Spielberg said.  “He can just adapt to anything.”  Galifianakis will be playing Armin Karmopoulous, a Greek traveler who befriends Hanks at customs during his second trip to America.  Plot details are scarce at the moment, but our set insider reports that the two “rent a Ford Festiva, travel to unusual locations across America, and pick up a few strange new friends along the way.”

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Germany Begins Systematic Extermination of Octopus

Berlin – Germany’s defeat in the World Cup has led to a new domestic policy for the nation.  “We did not want to make a knee jerk reaction to our defeat on the national stage, but now is the time for action.  After much research, we have realized that there have to be many others like Paul, the octopus that surely caused our defeat. ” German Chancellor Angela Merkel told Parliament Friday.  “A new enemy has unveiled itself, and we must now take action to eliminate the eight legged beast that threatens us from within.”

Paul

Public enemy number one.

Defense Minister Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg later explained that they would be taking a measured approach to rid the country of the threat.  “This plan gives us the authority to relocate all octopuses within Germany to Terrarienverein e.V. Argus Aquarium in Frankfurt.  With all segregated from normal society, we will be able to monitor and control them.  Plus, we will have a great source of sustenance for our people and to export.”

“If any fish are sharing a tank with an octopus right now, they are strongly encouraged to alert the government,” Guttenberg explained.  “Also any fish found sheltering an octopus will be brought to the central aquarium.  This is a matter of national security.”

While the master plan remains slightly hazy, Germany has clearly been working on the infrastructure for this undertaking for quite a while.  Relocation centers have been established in Kiel, Cologne, Stuttgart, Munich, and Berlin.  Reports suggest that these crude “fortress-like” camps will be used to tag and hold the octopuses until they can be brought to Frankfurt.

Entrance to the Munich relocation center

Merkel also announced that once all domestic octopuses are rounded up, Germany would turn to the global stage.  “We will need to eradicate the octopus from Europe to be truly safe.  Our neighbors can either agree with our plan or face the consequences.  The best course is to eliminate this undesirable of the ocean world so we can all live in an ideal society.  This is the Final Solution.”

Coworker Needs To Take Shit

Zionsville, IN – Scattered reports from the marketing department say that James O’Keefe may need to take a shit.  “He just looks uncomfortable, lots of fidgeting,” said coworker Tom Duncan.  “He’s usually calm and collected after lunch.”  Fellow employee Fred Stark agreed: “I saw him walk away with his Blackberry this morning for about 15 minutes.  Typically that does it for him.  I feel for the guy though, looks like he’s in agony.”  When reached for comment, O’Keefe said that he did have to shit, but didn’t want to go twice in one day at work.  “It’s uncomfortable but I’ll just hold it.  I don’t want people to talk about me taking a second shit.”

Ugly Girl Puts Attractive Friend in Profile Picture

Daytona Beach, FL – Local pig face Jenny Gerton has added attractive friend Sarah Hill to her Facebook photo in an ill advised attempt to lessen disappointment when meeting people face to face.  “The way I see it, if people see both of us in the picture, it’ll at least make people accept my friend requests.”  By blocking all tagged photos, she has also ensured that nobody will find out who she is until they meet face to face.  “I guess people will think they have a 50% chance of meeting a beauty and not be immediately disenchanted by me.”  When asked for comment Sarah said “I wish she wouldn’t put me in that picture.  I don’t need people thinking I’m a fat hog.”

Vice President Biden Wins Big on Horse Race

East Rutherford, NJ – After a tense 2 minutes of racing late Saturday, Vice President Joe Biden held an impromptu press conference to announce that his long shot bet had paid off handsomely. “Everyone was saying not to put my lucky $2 bill down on Shooting Star, a 14:1 shot, but it was a risk I had to take,” Biden told the small, captive audience as he held a freshly poured pint of Coors Light. “No more long necks for me, just draughts tonight. Hey sugar, let me set you up with some buffalo wings and a fresh pack of smokes! What’s your brand?” Biden told Long Island mother of two April Jones, who had encouraged him to make the initial bet. “Nothing can stop me tonight, let’s keep this thrill ride going!” Biden was later seen sobbing on the bar as 20:1 shot Little Foot, the horse he tried to continue his “hot streak” with, had broken it’s leg out of the gate.

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