Swinson addressing his views on cotton

“I did a little further research after the commercial,” Carl continued.  “Apparently, George Costanza had the Yankees’ uniforms switched to cotton in an episode of Seinfeld.  It’s been in pop culture for decades, where have I been?”  Carl says that his normal shirts chafe his nipples and aggravate his skin.  He said he hopes that if he were to buy a cotton shirt it would stop the irritation as well as accentuate his muscular physique better than his current clothing.  As we went to press, Carl was on his way out to Walmart to buy a six-pack of cotton t-shirts so he could finally “see what all the fuss is about.”

Frank learning how to make a fire with two sticks

The part that most concerned Logue about being lost in the jungle was what to eat.  However, he believes that Grylls’ show has also prepared him well for that.  “He said I shouldn’t eat tree leaves that have a white milk coming out of them, but I can definitely eat a scorpion, a raw egg, or maggots with no worries,” Logue noted.  “I figure this one hour show has shown me enough wilderness survival training to spend a week in any conditions.”  When reached for comment, the Four Seasons Resort at Peninsula Papagayo, where Mr. Logue will be staying, said that he had called numerous times to inquire if there were any nearby beaches with “flotsam, jetsam, debris, or anything else that could be used to save water or build a shelter” as well as if there was a “good local helicopter pilot that could extricate him when the trip was over.”

Brandon (R) with his best friends

Unlike gender reassignment, there are no hormone pills that can be taken to ease the transition.  Ethnic reassignment relies totally on physical plastic surgery and behavioral adjustment.  “In Brandon’s case, we will most likely tighten the skin around the eyes and make his skin pigment a bit more olive toned,” said Dr. Steven Tomlinson, a Boston area plastic surgeon.  “While we will not have to create a penis or a vagina, I definitely think that his genitalia will have to be reduced to truly make him feel Asian.”  Franklin, who just declared his major in mechanical engineering at MIT, does not currently have the financial means to pay for the surgery.  That does not mean that he won’t be able to change his behaviors to be more in line with his desired appearance.  “I figure a good start will be to squint all the time and to take my shoes off whenever I enter a home,” Franklin said.  “Oh, and I’ll pronounce all my Ls as Rs.”  Franklin then told reporters he had to leave so he could play six straight hours of World of Warcraft in his underwear.

Biff starting the second coat

“Yep, people love getting their cars waxed,” said Tannen.  “I’m only glad to help.  It shows how good I am at my job that Mr. McFly would hire me.  I mean, I made him stay out of the café and forced him to do my homework all through school.  Oh, and one time I tried to rape his current wife.”  When asked if she felt uncomfortable with having Biff around the house so frequently, as the McFly’s get their cars waxed every week, Lorraine McFly nodded.  She said that Biff was never convicted of attempted rape of her or arrested for destroying the town square in a wild chase with Calvin Klein a few days earlier.  “Biff did about eight things the week before the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance that should have gotten him arrested, yet he always got off scot free.  What’s the deal with that?”  As we went to press, sources reported that Biff is trying to save up his money from the auto detailing business to open a small casino, a lifelong dream of his.

He worked with Lotus, Vanwall, and Maserati. He cofounded Marcos. He was first to use a NACA duct in a car. His shapes were uber slippery. But mention the name Frank Costin and you’ll probably hear “who?”

British aerodynamicist Frank Costin and his brother Mike were silent yet powerful forces in the auto industry for over four decades. While Mike helped make one of the greatest engines ever, the Cosworth DFV (guess which part of the company Mike named), Frank was responsible for some of the most iconic shapes of all time.

The Lotus Elite, Lotus Eleven, Vanwall VW1, Vanwall VW6 Streamliner, and the Vauxhall Firenza “Baby Bertha” touring car were among the superstars penned by Costin. His collaborations with Maserati and Jaguar, as well as his own Costin Amigo were epitomes of the classic tear drop shape.

Costin’s use of the NACA duct on road and race cars like the Vanwall VW1 and Lotus Elite has since been emulated countless times. The NACA duct is a low drag intake that is only fully functional if placed correctly on the car. However, in the ideal position it draws in air with minimal disturbance to the flow. While a great aero solution, it also looks awesome. The F40, Viper, Sauber-Mercedes C9, and the Veyron Super Sport all make prominent use of this beautiful and functional vent.

Costin made up half of Marcos (the second half), one of the quirkiest British sports car builders of all time. He also created the Speedwell Streamliner, an Austin Healey Sprite with 92 horsepower that achieved 132 MPH over a standing mile.

While he made successful racecars, Costin was also eco. He had his own Peel P50-esque shopping car and also designed the Costin Ultimate Low Drag Vehicle. It was powered by a two stroke DKW engine, went over 100 MPH, weighed under 1000 pounds, and had a shape that decidedly influenced modern hybrids.

So remember: next time you see a NACA duct laden supercar or just a run-of-the-mill hybrid, thank Frank.

The workplace that will be missed

Washington, DC – With the mid-term elections quickly approaching, Democratic Senators and Congressmen have begun to lament not including a few key provisions in the monumental health care bill that they passed earlier this year.  The bill, which was passed solely on the support of Democrats, includes numerous facets that were meant to ease the burden of health care on the middle class.  It was declared partisan by Republicans as their support was not even asked for in passing it while Democrats painted them as enemies of the middle class.  However, Democrats are beginning to regret the omission of end of career consultation from the bill.

Democrats believe that their jobs have been put in danger due to smear tactics by Republicans who are trying to sully the name of the bill.  The fear that is sweeping congress’s majority party is that their majority may be thoroughly eroded or even lost in November during the mid term elections.

“Our jobs are on the line,” said Senator Russ Feingold (D, WI).  “What am I supposed to do if I can’t try to reach across the aisle everyday?  I don’t know how I’ll get by…I haven’t worked at a real job since 1985!”  Feingold then added, “not that this isn’t a real job, but I still get paid even when I don’t show up and we get vacations like teachers.  That’s pretty good.”

Feingold is not the only Senator who believes that the provision would have come in handy for them this November.  Ironically, political backlash that originated with this very bill has put Democratic seats across the nation in jeopardy.  The Tea Party and other influential political organizations believe that this bill has constituted a socialistic approach to health care, and they have begun to be very vocal about their dissatisfaction with the government.

“I think it shows that the very brief honeymoon with Obama is over,” said Christine O’Donnell, the Republican Senatorial candidate from Delaware.  “My deficit in a Democratic stronghold isn’t that big, and I used to dabble in witchcraft and am against masturbation.  I’m overcoming a lot of odds here!”

Representative Chet Edwards (D, TX-17), who is currently behind in the polls and in danger of losing his seat, agreed with Feingold.

“This is a tough time for anyone, I can’t imagine being out of work,” Edwards told gathered reporters.  “If we had just included this in the bill, then people that are out of work could be consulted on how badly things are going for them, us included.”

When asked if he realized that this consultation was only for those that were at the end of their careers, not those currently unemployed, Edwards said that they should have added consultation for everyone to the bill.  “That would have made those unemployed people complain a hell of a lot less, I’ll tell ya.  Well, complain publicly that is.” Edwards added.

Jason Altmire (D, PA-4) was able to sum up the thoughts of the Democratic camp.  “If we lose, we lose.  While the public may disagree, we did a great job this year and got some tough legislation passed,” Altmire said.  “This won’t be the end of the world. I think we’ll get by without this career counseling.  Wouldn’t it be worse if we had to be consulted on the options that we had for end of life care?”

Thomas not listening

Becker’s friends said that he has been unwilling to even try and change his viewpoint.  “We’ve tried to get him to understand what’s so great about casually chatting with each other, but he always just gives a blank stare and then writes an angry note about ‘not hearing us,’” said longtime acquaintance James Bogues.  “I guess half the fun of hanging out with Thomas is making fun of him to his face and he can’t hear or respond to it.  Actually, that’s really all the fun actually, since he has never added anything useful to any conversation, ever.”  Thomas has also unrepentantly criticized Helen Keller for setting their kind back hundred of years.  “Helen made everyone have unrealistic expectations of those of us that can’t talk,” Becker wrote.  “She was such a bitch…I bet she wasn’t really disabled.  How can a blind-deaf-mute be a motivational speaker?”  Becker has gotten through the last 30 years of his life without talking, and reportedly doesn’t plan to undergo experimental surgery to fix his vocal chords.  When asked why, Becker responded by punching his notepad, breathing heavily, and making a slight grunting noise as his pen had run out ink.

The Contenders

The movie that came second in the ranking, Volcano, lost marks for it’s scientific inaccuracy, wimpy daughter, and exploitation of racial conflict in a post Rodney King LA. “Don’t get me wrong, Volcano is another excellent volcano related movie from 1997,” Stringer said. “However, the movie has too many ancillary topics. Race relations in Los Angeles? Tommy Lee Jones’ divorce and the effect on that pissy little daughter of his? Don Cheadle wearing a backwards beret in a crisis center and acting super smooth? I just want to see how the volcano destroyed things.” Added Stringer, “And Anne Heche as a scientist? I don’t think so.” Volcano actor Tommy Lee Jones released a statement saying that he “didn’t care about the loss” as long as Men In Black II still had the title of “best Men In Black sequel with a Michael Jackson cameo released in 2002.”

Jalopnik

Reid at the press conference

Washington, DC – At a press conference earlier today, Senator Harry Reid (D, NV) answered questions ranging from foreign affairs to gay marriage to abortion, and even the economy.  The proceedings took a heated turn when Fox News correspondent Major Garrett asked Reid if he regretted pressuring banks to make subprime loans to unqualified individuals, which was a major contributor to the current financial crisis.

“You’re a racist!” Reid yelled at Garrett after he asked his question.  “Do you know how I know that?  You said we made them give loans to people that were unqualified.  A vast majority of those people you referred to as ‘unqualified’ were minorities.  Basically, you just asked me if I regret helping minorities get loans.  While you might deny loans based on race, I don’t feel that’s an appropriate litmus test and I don’t regret helping those in need.”

Added Reid, “Unbelievable, typical conservative blather.”

Capitol Hill was abuzz over the exchange, and one senator threw in his two cents on the matter.  Senator Orrin Hatch (R, UT), a longtime colleague of Reid’s, said that this was Reid’s typical tactic of deflection from the issues at hand.  “I’ve know Harry for years, he’s a great guy,” said Hatch.  “However, from time to time he has this tendency to lash out when he can’t defend himself.  When I asked him if he dented my car last week he said I was ‘just a shill for big business.’”  Hatch also said that he didn’t believe Reid was trying to be malicious towards Garrett in any way, but knew that he wasn’t able to defend his previous actions.

The other key player in the exchange, Major Garrett, wasn’t so sure that Reid was being totally fair.  “Whenever (NBC News Political Director) David Gregory had a question, Reid bent over backwards to answer it,” Garrett told us. “However, when I asked a question, he frequently acted like he did not see me or pretended that I had asked him how his family was.”

This outburst comes just nine months after Reid made an insensitive, race driven statement about President Obama.  In those remarks, he insinuated that the president was popular because of his light skin tone for an African-American.  Reid’s poor wording in that instance resulted in others accusing him of being a racist, something that he vehemently denied.  Senators and colleagues alike refused to comment on the record, but some have stated confidentially that they believe Reid was overcompensating for that prior faux pas.

In order to stem the flow of negative PR, Reid’s office has issued a press release defending his actions and behavior at the press conference.  The release said “Fox News has a long history of conservative bias and a contentious relationship with Senator Reid.  Senator Reid’s record on civil rights is unblemished, and a comment that he felt questioned his commitment to equality needed to be addressed immediately and aggressively.”  While Reid could not be reached for comment, his Communications Director Jon Summers said, “Senator Reid was right to criticize Garrett.  And if you’re questioning why he did, then I’m willing to bet that you’re in favor of partial birth abortion.”